FUEL Music Retreat

Wow, tonight was pretty amazing. Not what I was expecting or even really praying for, but God was present and moving more than I have ever really seen amongst this group.

It was the FUEL music team retreat that Brendan had organized to kick-off the year and get the team excited and prepared both musically and spiritually. First Instinct had travelled down from Port Macquarie for the week to play in schools and for our big gig at FUEL Friday Night (which seemed to go off… 60% of people hadn’t been to Fuel before, by some reports). But the band had been asked to stay an extra day and help out the music team by providing some encouragement, training and insight. They did a great job of challenging them to be real worshippers – I loved hearing their perspective, passion and heart for worship that was so needed to really focus the team. They were brilliant. But what happened during tonight’s session I don’t think was planned by anyone, God just took over as we began to worship him. Now that I think of it, honest worship seemed to be the key to opening us up to the spirit.

The session began with everyone getting 15 minutes to write a song, just the words. So everyone went off, many feeling that they weren’t really getting anything, but asking God for inspiration. I came in a few minutes late, but decided to sit down and attempt it to. Surprisingly, as I sat down to think honestly about how I was feeling with God, a Bible verse and then words started coming out.

We all re-gathered and began sharing what we’d written. Some were nothing short of amazing! Alex’s, Dan’s and Spike’s were particularly powerful and creative. Many also spoke of honest wrestles with God. I think that really started to open people up as they became vulnerable with each other. Then we sang a worship song, ‘Your Love Oh Lord’ which led into prayer. After a few people prayed, Aaron began to speak out what God was putting on his heart: that he really saw me as someone who was standing up in a crowd, that God’s really doing something in me, and to stay ‘soft’. Sam also followed with a similar reiteration, that God has his hand on me and that despite not often being in the limelight, I’m to keep going, press on, and share what’s within me. The obedience of those two really kick-started people’s openness and honesty. Brendan then explained their prophetic encouragement and challenged anyone else to share what God might be saying through them. Others then began speaking into each others lives – everyone sharing at least something, if not 5 or 10 things! 2 hours went by as barely any silence was heard. People were deeply touched, some moved to tears and things were honestly expressed. Thanks, appreciation, apology, encouragement, vision and insight.

When we finally brought it to a close (we had to almost force a finish) we sang ‘Consuming Fire’ which just seemed to launch everyone into worship… many standing with hands raised and beginning to worship freely and passionately. Then we prayed for the 4 guys from First Instinct, laying hands on them as a team and thanking God for their work this week.

As we finished, many seemed deeply moved and touched. The Holy Spirit had really been active and doing some great work within our young people. More than I had ever seen before in this setting. But it was like prayer on fire… the kind of thing I’ve been praying for for years, and trying to initiate, but finally tonight as the band were bold enough to initiate, and as Brendan brilliantly gave permission for it, the Spirit did his best work and releasing honesty, humility, vulnerability, courage, insight and deep encouragement into everyone. I don’t think we’ll forget tonight for a while. I just hope something can keep it going within the hearts of the team… that maybe the fire can grow and continue to catch onto others within Fuel and within their individual schools.

Father God continue to pour out your Spirit on your people. On Fuel and the young people that serve and lead, that all might be deeply touched by your love and power; enabled to be your witnesses wherever they go. Give us a holy passion for your name! We love you and praise you with everything we have. Thankyou so much for blessing us undeservedly. Amen.

Back from Boort

Just returned home from Boort Coffee Shop. Feeling sad and unsure. Really loved the team this year, more and more every day that we were together. Began to sense real love and deep encouragement from them (some of which was really needed, and used by God).

Got home, and within minutes of opening the door, mum and dad began arguing about something – probably something that is so trivial and not worth arguing about (as usual). I never really understand that. But I should come to expect it. Every time God is doing something great, and I begin to see breakthrough, my family will be one of the tools of the enemy to drag me back down again. He desperately wants to thwart any of God’s good work and make me forget it or trust it less; bring discouragement and hopelessness: ‘nothing will ever change’. But by God’s power, things can change! Oh God, would you bring breakthrough, healing, and restoration to my family. We need you so much!

Anyway, just to reflect on some of the time in Boort…

God did a lot of really cool stuff. Not the visible, supernatural, powerful things I usually pray for and believe can happen. But the more behind-the-scenes, internal, quiet communication stuff that you need to be listening carefully for so that you don’t miss. Some of it was really needed and valuable.

What I learnt…

• About God
• He is faithful, and continues to work even when I feel completely disconnected, dry, and lost. He is never gone forever, even if I go on vacation from him
• About Myself
• I need to stay plugged into him, the power source of everything I do
• Listening to God is so unbelievably important. I CANNOT neglect listening, or switch off for a while because I don’t want to hear the tough words from God. That will be Satan’s tactic. God’s words are always timely and appropriate, never crushing or discouraging, but uplifting and encouraging, challenging and possible
• Leading when feeling disconnected and insecure, still pushing through to lead the team onwards and not spreading discouragement (really not sure of many answers to this, but know it’s something I need to explore).
• About Others
• I REALLY need other people, and many of them need me. We are interconnected, and each take a part in the body, part of the team
• (Perhaps leaders/pastors could work better using the mentality of a sports coach. Hmmm…)

Work begins again tomorrow, and I’m already beginning to dread it. Urrgghhh…. I really don’t want to be going. I’m fearful that the work that God has begun in me over the last 2 weeks will be lost and I’ll get back to what I was like before!

GOD I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO DO, BUT I NEED MASSIVE BREAKTHROUGH IN THIS AREA. PLEASE HELP ME… I’M DESPERATE. SO AFRAID THAT I WILL LOSE TOUCH WITH YOU AGAIN, AND FALL BACK TO BEING EMPTY, LOST AND DEPRESSED. By your mighty power and word, please command a change in the spiritual realms so that my work is broken up (not full time?) or that I otherwise find ways to cope and stay much better connected to you. Only you can find a way God. PLEASE HELP! In the wonderful, matchless name of Jesus I pray.

God – I just thank you and praise you for your amazing faithfulness that follows me, covers me and catches me. God, I’ve had lots of struggles over the past while, yet I’m beginning to feel a reprieve, beginning to see/hear you again and understand where I am in the midst of life’s craziness.

My mind seems to be coming back under control. The negativity, depression, discouragement doesn’t seem to be founded in truth nearly as much as the eternal Word of God. I need to really wake up to lies that I allow myself to dwell on and get pulled down (sucked under) by. Lord God, give me the ability to discern falsehood when it assaults my mind, and allow me to fight back with truth. That the truth may set me free! Thanks for your Word that brings life and freedom, not condemnation. Jesus, help me to be strongly founded and fixed on you: grafted onto the vine, built on solid rock, not swayed by stormy circumstances, not afraid or timid, not apathetic or lukewarm, but full of confidence, peace and joy in the Lord and his great plans for redeeming a lost world. People need you desperately Jesus… help us spread your message with power!

Let the name of the Lord be praised, exalted, high and lifted up!

I don’t think I’m great at coping with this pain… Yesterday was good, but still really hard. And I awoke this morning to more negativity and torment. Hungry and weak from fasting.

Oh Lord, I’m so fragile, so sensitive to harsh comments and experiences. How will I ever become secure, like a solid rock? I believe you will transform me into such… I’m holding on. But it feels like a long process. But: You Are God!

Yesterday had a really good talk with Andi Hillman, which just raised a lot of issues and confusion that I didn’t really know how to address or explain. But he was really helpful and somewhat understanding.
(It’s so hard to find someone that understands me! The closer I get to God sometimes, the harder to find someone with similar struggles and pain that has my perspective. Maybe others can still have insight and helpful perspective though.)

Then had a talk with Andy and Kristy about how I was going. That was really tough, but necessary and helpful (for the most part). Some things we discussed were:

• Me apologizing for my lack of strong leadership. My withdrawing and timidity.
• My real struggle with spiritual dryness and lack of connection with God – and how that really affects my relationships with people and the team; often feeling an inability to really lead with hearing from God.
• A harsh word about being a better leader. But I need to forgive and press on. This is a war, casualties abound, I cannot afford to surrender to the enemy, or agree with his plans. He must be stopped at all costs!
• Encouragement – some words of affirmation about my spiritual mind, my insight, my strong leadership (when it’s there), and how they’d noticed a difference in how I was leading. They also wanted to know how best to care for me. “What can we do?” I really don’t know though.

Father, as I type these words, I really need to offload them! I cannot carry the weight, it is too much of a burden. Please Jesus take my pain, heal my heart, and strengthen my resolve, my joy, my peace, and my confidence to really lead people and take them to higher places in you. God, you have called me here to lead, and I want to honour that and serve you well. But I feel so encumbered, prevented, attacked. I’m always a huge target for the enemy because my strength comes from you. He will try anything to destroy my connection (or sense of connection).

Even when I fail you, I know you love me
Your holy presence, surrounding me
In every season, I know you love me
I know you love me….!

At the cross I bow my knee
Where your blood was shed for me
There’s no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?

Your hand upholds me, I know you love me!
You tore the veil, you made a way, when you said that “it is done”

When the earth fades, falls from my eyes
And you stand before me, I know you love me, I know you love me!

– At the Cross, by Hillsong

For nothing can separate me from your love!!

In view of all this, what can we say? If God is for us, who can be against us? Certainly not God, who did not even keep back his own Son, but offered him for us all! He gave us his Son---will he not also freely give us all things?

Who will accuse God's chosen people? God himself declares them not guilty! Who, then, will condemn them? Not Christ Jesus, who died, or rather, who was raised to life and is at the right side of God, pleading with him for us!

Who, then, can separate us from the love of Christ? Can trouble do it, or hardship or persecution or hunger or poverty or danger or death? … No, in all these things we have complete victory through him who loved us! For I am certain that nothing can separate us from his love: neither death nor life, neither angels nor other heavenly rulers or powers, neither the present nor the future, neither the world above nor the world below---there is nothing in all creation that will ever be able to separate us from the love of God which is ours through Christ Jesus our Lord.

– Romans 8:31-39 (GNB)

If my heart has grown cold, there your love will unfold
As you open my eyes to the work of your hand
WhenI’m blind to my way, there your spirit will pray
As you open my eyes to the work of your hand

Oceans will part, nations come
At the whisper of your call
Hope will rise, glory shown
In my life, your will be done!

– Oceans Will Part, by Hillsong

Thankyou Jesus for your grace that surrounds me, for your love that reaches so deep, for your faithfulness that withstands my failure, for your acceptance that passes through my rejection, for your hope that stands when all else falls, for your sacrifice to save a thankless and ungrateful race. Jesus, your work is wonderful, and you are doing a great, mighty, powerful work inside me, and inside this town. I want to get on board with your plan. Help me accept everything you intend for me, and see from your perspective while fighting with everything in me against the enemies of your plan. Heal my wounds and memories, give me a garment of praise that sees past my circumstances, and a true peace that is unshakable. Lord, you understand me and feel my pain, even when no one else does. When no one else is around to support and encourage, you stand! You are wonderful, glorious, Jesus and I love you.

To you Oh Lord, I lift my soul
In you O God, I place my trust!
Do not let me, be put to shame
Don’t let my enemies triumph over me

My hope is You
Show me your ways
Guide me in truth, in all my days
My hope is You!!

My broken spirit shouts, my mended heart cries out: my hope is You!

– My Hope Is You, by Third Day

2007 Opens... at Boort Coffee Shop

Just here on Boort Coffee shop with so much running through my head – doubts, questions, struggles, confusion, apathy, distraction, numbness, emptiness. None of it really helpful to the cause here. Yet does God have a higher purpose? Is there a reason for it all? Will good come out of it?

Cos I’m a little low on hope, excitement or passion. How can I escape this cloud? And assuming I can in the next day or two, what happens when I get back to Melbourne and work full-time for another 2-3 weeks. Will it all just be broken again as I lose myself in the work? Lose my heart, lose the love for life? I’m so scared God. You really need to help me break through this…….

Amazing Love!
How can it be? That you my king would die for me…
I know it’s true, it’s my joy to honour you, in all I do!

You’re an amazing God!! Somehow, somewhere… you are with me through all this. Watching over me, loving me, yearning… desiring that I understand what I need to, quickly learning what you’re teaching so that we can move on.

Father help me process this stuff and escape the floating junk.

All kinds of thoughts flying around at the moment

• what do I do when I feel apathetic and low on passion? Is that just a problem of our society that I need to learn to break out of? Do I need to stir up my own desire and passion when it lacks?
  Discontentment breaks down apathy
• How do I lead people when I feel empty and disconnected? Can I honestly and genuinely lead others when I don’t seem to be hearing from God? How does that work? Should I just concentrate on serving?
• Loneliness. Like no one really understands me or my perspective. My world centers on the spiritual, how do I live amongst people whom that doesn’t seem to be their reality. When my spiritual world is a mess, how am I supposed to cope in the physical world?
• And how do I effectively live in the spiritual realms, while bringing that back to the physical world? How can I communicate from one to the other? How can I show people clearly what God is saying? How can I share vision?
• How do I break free of the depression of those around me: my mum, and our general society that seems so lost, broken, lifeless, shallow.
  Don’t copy their attitudes or thoughts, be separate, be holy, walk a different path. Get close to God before anything else, find purpose in him, don’t search for fulfillment in anything else. HE is the only hope for escaping darkness and depression. HE is the light, HE is the source of life. THE WAY, THE TRUTH, THE LIFE. Praise him.
• Attraction, desire, longing for a partner, a close friend that I can live with, love and be close to, intimate. And how do I cope when that seems out of reach? Trust, not clinging or striving or manufacturing. God is in control and knows the person that will fit me. His design and timing, not mine.

Lord God… I so desperately need you. I cry out for you! I’m alone without you; naked; inadequate; lost. Please draw me close to you, bring me back to what we had a few months ago. Please shake off these doubts, the lies of the enemy and every foreign thought or attitude that is not of you. God help me win this battle of my mind.

Jesus, you reign! You are victorious, you will carry me through, you will rescue me from the storm, the waves crashing around me. Lord, on you I will stand, and on you I will prevail. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. Because you are Lord of all, no power matches yours, no one can raise an argument or force against you. On your command the nations bow, all forces of evil tremble.

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour our I’ll
Turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord,
Still I will say
Blessed be your name!

I bless and praise your glorious name Lord Jesus. Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God almighty!!!

• Waiting upon the Lord… How do I act when I need to wait upon God?
• Those that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. – Isaiah 40:31
• Serving. Perhaps as I wait, and when I’m not spiritually whole, I just need to continually serve. Press on, even without feeling like it.
• But diligently wait upon God. Long, unhurried time in his presence. Silence. Pouring out thoughts, feelings. Offering pain into the loving hands of God.

PRAISE HIM….

He is holy!!