FUEL Music Retreat

Wow, tonight was pretty amazing. Not what I was expecting or even really praying for, but God was present and moving more than I have ever really seen amongst this group.

It was the FUEL music team retreat that Brendan had organized to kick-off the year and get the team excited and prepared both musically and spiritually. First Instinct had travelled down from Port Macquarie for the week to play in schools and for our big gig at FUEL Friday Night (which seemed to go off… 60% of people hadn’t been to Fuel before, by some reports). But the band had been asked to stay an extra day and help out the music team by providing some encouragement, training and insight. They did a great job of challenging them to be real worshippers – I loved hearing their perspective, passion and heart for worship that was so needed to really focus the team. They were brilliant. But what happened during tonight’s session I don’t think was planned by anyone, God just took over as we began to worship him. Now that I think of it, honest worship seemed to be the key to opening us up to the spirit.

The session began with everyone getting 15 minutes to write a song, just the words. So everyone went off, many feeling that they weren’t really getting anything, but asking God for inspiration. I came in a few minutes late, but decided to sit down and attempt it to. Surprisingly, as I sat down to think honestly about how I was feeling with God, a Bible verse and then words started coming out.

We all re-gathered and began sharing what we’d written. Some were nothing short of amazing! Alex’s, Dan’s and Spike’s were particularly powerful and creative. Many also spoke of honest wrestles with God. I think that really started to open people up as they became vulnerable with each other. Then we sang a worship song, ‘Your Love Oh Lord’ which led into prayer. After a few people prayed, Aaron began to speak out what God was putting on his heart: that he really saw me as someone who was standing up in a crowd, that God’s really doing something in me, and to stay ‘soft’. Sam also followed with a similar reiteration, that God has his hand on me and that despite not often being in the limelight, I’m to keep going, press on, and share what’s within me. The obedience of those two really kick-started people’s openness and honesty. Brendan then explained their prophetic encouragement and challenged anyone else to share what God might be saying through them. Others then began speaking into each others lives – everyone sharing at least something, if not 5 or 10 things! 2 hours went by as barely any silence was heard. People were deeply touched, some moved to tears and things were honestly expressed. Thanks, appreciation, apology, encouragement, vision and insight.

When we finally brought it to a close (we had to almost force a finish) we sang ‘Consuming Fire’ which just seemed to launch everyone into worship… many standing with hands raised and beginning to worship freely and passionately. Then we prayed for the 4 guys from First Instinct, laying hands on them as a team and thanking God for their work this week.

As we finished, many seemed deeply moved and touched. The Holy Spirit had really been active and doing some great work within our young people. More than I had ever seen before in this setting. But it was like prayer on fire… the kind of thing I’ve been praying for for years, and trying to initiate, but finally tonight as the band were bold enough to initiate, and as Brendan brilliantly gave permission for it, the Spirit did his best work and releasing honesty, humility, vulnerability, courage, insight and deep encouragement into everyone. I don’t think we’ll forget tonight for a while. I just hope something can keep it going within the hearts of the team… that maybe the fire can grow and continue to catch onto others within Fuel and within their individual schools.

Father God continue to pour out your Spirit on your people. On Fuel and the young people that serve and lead, that all might be deeply touched by your love and power; enabled to be your witnesses wherever they go. Give us a holy passion for your name! We love you and praise you with everything we have. Thankyou so much for blessing us undeservedly. Amen.

Back from Boort

Just returned home from Boort Coffee Shop. Feeling sad and unsure. Really loved the team this year, more and more every day that we were together. Began to sense real love and deep encouragement from them (some of which was really needed, and used by God).

Got home, and within minutes of opening the door, mum and dad began arguing about something – probably something that is so trivial and not worth arguing about (as usual). I never really understand that. But I should come to expect it. Every time God is doing something great, and I begin to see breakthrough, my family will be one of the tools of the enemy to drag me back down again. He desperately wants to thwart any of God’s good work and make me forget it or trust it less; bring discouragement and hopelessness: ‘nothing will ever change’. But by God’s power, things can change! Oh God, would you bring breakthrough, healing, and restoration to my family. We need you so much!

Anyway, just to reflect on some of the time in Boort…

God did a lot of really cool stuff. Not the visible, supernatural, powerful things I usually pray for and believe can happen. But the more behind-the-scenes, internal, quiet communication stuff that you need to be listening carefully for so that you don’t miss. Some of it was really needed and valuable.

What I learnt…

• About God
• He is faithful, and continues to work even when I feel completely disconnected, dry, and lost. He is never gone forever, even if I go on vacation from him
• About Myself
• I need to stay plugged into him, the power source of everything I do
• Listening to God is so unbelievably important. I CANNOT neglect listening, or switch off for a while because I don’t want to hear the tough words from God. That will be Satan’s tactic. God’s words are always timely and appropriate, never crushing or discouraging, but uplifting and encouraging, challenging and possible
• Leading when feeling disconnected and insecure, still pushing through to lead the team onwards and not spreading discouragement (really not sure of many answers to this, but know it’s something I need to explore).
• About Others
• I REALLY need other people, and many of them need me. We are interconnected, and each take a part in the body, part of the team
• (Perhaps leaders/pastors could work better using the mentality of a sports coach. Hmmm…)

Work begins again tomorrow, and I’m already beginning to dread it. Urrgghhh…. I really don’t want to be going. I’m fearful that the work that God has begun in me over the last 2 weeks will be lost and I’ll get back to what I was like before!

GOD I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO DO, BUT I NEED MASSIVE BREAKTHROUGH IN THIS AREA. PLEASE HELP ME… I’M DESPERATE. SO AFRAID THAT I WILL LOSE TOUCH WITH YOU AGAIN, AND FALL BACK TO BEING EMPTY, LOST AND DEPRESSED. By your mighty power and word, please command a change in the spiritual realms so that my work is broken up (not full time?) or that I otherwise find ways to cope and stay much better connected to you. Only you can find a way God. PLEASE HELP! In the wonderful, matchless name of Jesus I pray.

God – I just thank you and praise you for your amazing faithfulness that follows me, covers me and catches me. God, I’ve had lots of struggles over the past while, yet I’m beginning to feel a reprieve, beginning to see/hear you again and understand where I am in the midst of life’s craziness.

My mind seems to be coming back under control. The negativity, depression, discouragement doesn’t seem to be founded in truth nearly as much as the eternal Word of God. I need to really wake up to lies that I allow myself to dwell on and get pulled down (sucked under) by. Lord God, give me the ability to discern falsehood when it assaults my mind, and allow me to fight back with truth. That the truth may set me free! Thanks for your Word that brings life and freedom, not condemnation. Jesus, help me to be strongly founded and fixed on you: grafted onto the vine, built on solid rock, not swayed by stormy circumstances, not afraid or timid, not apathetic or lukewarm, but full of confidence, peace and joy in the Lord and his great plans for redeeming a lost world. People need you desperately Jesus… help us spread your message with power!

Let the name of the Lord be praised, exalted, high and lifted up!

I don’t think I’m great at coping with this pain… Yesterday was good, but still really hard. And I awoke this morning to more negativity and torment. Hungry and weak from fasting.

Oh Lord, I’m so fragile, so sensitive to harsh comments and experiences. How will I ever become secure, like a solid rock? I believe you will transform me into such… I’m holding on. But it feels like a long process. But: You Are God!

Yesterday had a really good talk with Andi Hillman, which just raised a lot of issues and confusion that I didn’t really know how to address or explain. But he was really helpful and somewhat understanding.
(It’s so hard to find someone that understands me! The closer I get to God sometimes, the harder to find someone with similar struggles and pain that has my perspective. Maybe others can still have insight and helpful perspective though.)

Then had a talk with Andy and Kristy about how I was going. That was really tough, but necessary and helpful (for the most part). Some things we discussed were:

• Me apologizing for my lack of strong leadership. My withdrawing and timidity.
• My real struggle with spiritual dryness and lack of connection with God – and how that really affects my relationships with people and the team; often feeling an inability to really lead with hearing from God.
• A harsh word about being a better leader. But I need to forgive and press on. This is a war, casualties abound, I cannot afford to surrender to the enemy, or agree with his plans. He must be stopped at all costs!
• Encouragement – some words of affirmation about my spiritual mind, my insight, my strong leadership (when it’s there), and how they’d noticed a difference in how I was leading. They also wanted to know how best to care for me. “What can we do?” I really don’t know though.

Father, as I type these words, I really need to offload them! I cannot carry the weight, it is too much of a burden. Please Jesus take my pain, heal my heart, and strengthen my resolve, my joy, my peace, and my confidence to really lead people and take them to higher places in you. God, you have called me here to lead, and I want to honour that and serve you well. But I feel so encumbered, prevented, attacked. I’m always a huge target for the enemy because my strength comes from you. He will try anything to destroy my connection (or sense of connection).

Even when I fail you, I know you love me
Your holy presence, surrounding me
In every season, I know you love me
I know you love me….!

At the cross I bow my knee
Where your blood was shed for me
There’s no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?

Your hand upholds me, I know you love me!
You tore the veil, you made a way, when you said that “it is done”

When the earth fades, falls from my eyes
And you stand before me, I know you love me, I know you love me!

– At the Cross, by Hillsong

For nothing can separate me from your love!!

In view of all this, what can we say? If God is for us, who can be against us? Certainly not God, who did not even keep back his own Son, but offered him for us all! He gave us his Son---will he not also freely give us all things?

Who will accuse God's chosen people? God himself declares them not guilty! Who, then, will condemn them? Not Christ Jesus, who died, or rather, who was raised to life and is at the right side of God, pleading with him for us!

Who, then, can separate us from the love of Christ? Can trouble do it, or hardship or persecution or hunger or poverty or danger or death? … No, in all these things we have complete victory through him who loved us! For I am certain that nothing can separate us from his love: neither death nor life, neither angels nor other heavenly rulers or powers, neither the present nor the future, neither the world above nor the world below---there is nothing in all creation that will ever be able to separate us from the love of God which is ours through Christ Jesus our Lord.

– Romans 8:31-39 (GNB)

If my heart has grown cold, there your love will unfold
As you open my eyes to the work of your hand
WhenI’m blind to my way, there your spirit will pray
As you open my eyes to the work of your hand

Oceans will part, nations come
At the whisper of your call
Hope will rise, glory shown
In my life, your will be done!

– Oceans Will Part, by Hillsong

Thankyou Jesus for your grace that surrounds me, for your love that reaches so deep, for your faithfulness that withstands my failure, for your acceptance that passes through my rejection, for your hope that stands when all else falls, for your sacrifice to save a thankless and ungrateful race. Jesus, your work is wonderful, and you are doing a great, mighty, powerful work inside me, and inside this town. I want to get on board with your plan. Help me accept everything you intend for me, and see from your perspective while fighting with everything in me against the enemies of your plan. Heal my wounds and memories, give me a garment of praise that sees past my circumstances, and a true peace that is unshakable. Lord, you understand me and feel my pain, even when no one else does. When no one else is around to support and encourage, you stand! You are wonderful, glorious, Jesus and I love you.

To you Oh Lord, I lift my soul
In you O God, I place my trust!
Do not let me, be put to shame
Don’t let my enemies triumph over me

My hope is You
Show me your ways
Guide me in truth, in all my days
My hope is You!!

My broken spirit shouts, my mended heart cries out: my hope is You!

– My Hope Is You, by Third Day

2007 Opens... at Boort Coffee Shop

Just here on Boort Coffee shop with so much running through my head – doubts, questions, struggles, confusion, apathy, distraction, numbness, emptiness. None of it really helpful to the cause here. Yet does God have a higher purpose? Is there a reason for it all? Will good come out of it?

Cos I’m a little low on hope, excitement or passion. How can I escape this cloud? And assuming I can in the next day or two, what happens when I get back to Melbourne and work full-time for another 2-3 weeks. Will it all just be broken again as I lose myself in the work? Lose my heart, lose the love for life? I’m so scared God. You really need to help me break through this…….

Amazing Love!
How can it be? That you my king would die for me…
I know it’s true, it’s my joy to honour you, in all I do!

You’re an amazing God!! Somehow, somewhere… you are with me through all this. Watching over me, loving me, yearning… desiring that I understand what I need to, quickly learning what you’re teaching so that we can move on.

Father help me process this stuff and escape the floating junk.

All kinds of thoughts flying around at the moment

• what do I do when I feel apathetic and low on passion? Is that just a problem of our society that I need to learn to break out of? Do I need to stir up my own desire and passion when it lacks?
  Discontentment breaks down apathy
• How do I lead people when I feel empty and disconnected? Can I honestly and genuinely lead others when I don’t seem to be hearing from God? How does that work? Should I just concentrate on serving?
• Loneliness. Like no one really understands me or my perspective. My world centers on the spiritual, how do I live amongst people whom that doesn’t seem to be their reality. When my spiritual world is a mess, how am I supposed to cope in the physical world?
• And how do I effectively live in the spiritual realms, while bringing that back to the physical world? How can I communicate from one to the other? How can I show people clearly what God is saying? How can I share vision?
• How do I break free of the depression of those around me: my mum, and our general society that seems so lost, broken, lifeless, shallow.
  Don’t copy their attitudes or thoughts, be separate, be holy, walk a different path. Get close to God before anything else, find purpose in him, don’t search for fulfillment in anything else. HE is the only hope for escaping darkness and depression. HE is the light, HE is the source of life. THE WAY, THE TRUTH, THE LIFE. Praise him.
• Attraction, desire, longing for a partner, a close friend that I can live with, love and be close to, intimate. And how do I cope when that seems out of reach? Trust, not clinging or striving or manufacturing. God is in control and knows the person that will fit me. His design and timing, not mine.

Lord God… I so desperately need you. I cry out for you! I’m alone without you; naked; inadequate; lost. Please draw me close to you, bring me back to what we had a few months ago. Please shake off these doubts, the lies of the enemy and every foreign thought or attitude that is not of you. God help me win this battle of my mind.

Jesus, you reign! You are victorious, you will carry me through, you will rescue me from the storm, the waves crashing around me. Lord, on you I will stand, and on you I will prevail. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. Because you are Lord of all, no power matches yours, no one can raise an argument or force against you. On your command the nations bow, all forces of evil tremble.

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour our I’ll
Turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord,
Still I will say
Blessed be your name!

I bless and praise your glorious name Lord Jesus. Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God almighty!!!

• Waiting upon the Lord… How do I act when I need to wait upon God?
• Those that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. – Isaiah 40:31
• Serving. Perhaps as I wait, and when I’m not spiritually whole, I just need to continually serve. Press on, even without feeling like it.
• But diligently wait upon God. Long, unhurried time in his presence. Silence. Pouring out thoughts, feelings. Offering pain into the loving hands of God.

PRAISE HIM….

He is holy!!

Really Sick

Shaking, breaking, remoulding. Why does God have to do that to me constantly?

Struggled so hard the last two weeks… only just coming out of it the last few days. God allows it for some strange, unknown reason. Actually, I know the reason: he wants me to grow – and my comfort is a small price to pay for my maturity. Yeah… easier said than accepted.

Two weeks ago I feel really sick. All Friday night I felt food come up the wrong way. Until there was no more food, only black bile. Yeah, thoroughly enjoyable I know. Then for several days my energy went on holiday, leaving me barely able to walk. Initially I calmly accepted it as a time to stop (God’s been wanting me to do that for a while, I figured out!). Just laying in bed I had time to reflect on my lifestyle and pace of living, and just drawing closer to God in the quietness. But slowly I started to find things to alleviate my boredom – television, DVDs, time on the computer. And soon the quietness God had intended was filled with noise and stray thoughts. And the voice of God grew dim. I don’t think that was one of my more brilliant ideas. The book God.net captured what was happening, illuminating my circumstance as I read: disobedience leads to distraction, distraction leads to darkness. Whenever I selfishly ignore God for a period of time, I hunger for something (anything?) to fill the void that is left – usually something entertaining/stimulating/addictive. And for a while, I don’t notice the painful absence of my very best friend. But soon after, the void feels worse. It’s black, the darkness.

Every day of my life I face a spiritual battle. God maintains my attention more and more of the time recently, and the enemy turns up the heat knowing he must stop me at all costs. Spiritual warfare is usually a daily reality, battling negative thoughts and painful memories (and my lazy flesh!). Usually, I do OK at resisting the force attacking my soul, but as I grew sick, my resolve dwindled and my resistance weakened. The lies, clouds of doubt, discouragement and loneliness spiraled out of control as I struggled alone. It was depressing, but still I pushed on alone, hoping that somehow my weak attempts at prayer would be enough to break through this. Surely God wanted to tell me something through this, anyway?

But 13 days later, as I crashed into bed with no motivation to do anything – the guilt, hopelessness, inadequacy, frustration and all the walls that threatened to oppose me closed in with a squeeze. I’m so alone. I can’t see any way out of this. I’ve tried just about everything I know to do. …Except call on other people. I needed to let others know of the battle and call for prayer. So as I weakly picked up my mobile and started a message, 20-30 minutes went by as I stumbled to find words and fighting thoughts of pride and continuing alone. But I couldn’t help myself anymore, I was fully broken. So as my SMS broadcasted to every praying friend, something shook in the heavenlies.

God, thank you for setting me free! I love you!

It seems like the last four weeks had taken me on a gradual decline into negativity and depression, lots of mornings I would just wake up with an unshakable feeling of emptiness and sometimes hopelessness. Why did I feel in pain and yet not know the cause? It was becoming so bad that even spending a whole day at church doing things I normally love, I was just so unsettled and uncomfortable. What was wrong?

Monday last week as my small group met, I mentioned the struggle I was having and people prayed for me – I think that initiated something, as I was finally willing to be vulnerable and open with a group. Several things during the week helped encourage and lift me up, but Sunday night brought the breakthrough. I’d been reading ‘Waking the Dead’ by John Eldridge on and off during the previous couple of weeks, loving it, but intrigued about the upcoming chapter entitled ‘warfare’. On Sunday night I felt particularly burdened to open that chapter and discover the content.

I felt God rain down his revelation and open my eyes as I read. John wrote about the attacks of the enemy often being in the form of subtle suggestions in our minds. Little words and thoughts that aren’t forced in, but just dropped in neatly, appearing true at strategic times when we’re most likely to believe them. In western society where the devil usually chooses to remain invisible, subtle suggestion is one of his primary weapons. We fall when we respond in agreement. I’m not doing a very good job at leadership… I’ve let God down so many times lately… I’m never going to be able to beat this… I feel so trapped… I’m so broken… And the thoughts go on and on, gaining momentum as I choose to agree with them. Oh, but it’s good to believe this stuff – at least I’m not prideful… It’s actually humbling. Oh how scheming and dangerous demonic spirits can be, and yet none have power over me other than what I allow. I had chosen to believe the destructively targeted thoughts of the enemy. The thoughts often were half-true and so I inclined to believe them; and yet I realized that they had fueled the slide into darkness and depression. Immediately I stopped agreeing, and I felt darkness immediately begin to lift. It was like fresh air just blew into my mind and body. Peace and joy started to return – I had missed them so much during the past several weeks. And I gently eased off to sleep with worship and praise in my head.

As I awoke the next morning I was cautious… Was last night just a momentary experience or was it going to change things? But as I crawled out of bed I determined again not to be in agreement with any form of numbing or depressing thoughts. No condemnation. No negativity. No self-pity or self-absorption. Just faith, hope and love. The entire day progressed ten times easier than most days in the previous few weeks. It was like nothing shook me. Even when negative circumstances cast their ominous shadow I was not going to let them drag down my spirit.

It’s now Thursday, and although I’m now feeling quite tired, I’m committed to believing what God says about me and the world – knowing HIS truth, that the truth might set me free, and not allowing the devil to “steal, kill and destroy” anything of what God wants to do in and through me.

There are some phenomenal plans God has coming, but I’m afraid I’ll sound arrogant if I share them. Maybe in a post another time. He is so amazing, so faithful when we wait upon him and hungrily seek his face.

Even young people grow tired and become weary, and young men will stumble and fall. Yet, the strength of those who wait with hope in the LORD will be renewed. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and won't become weary. They will walk and won't grow tired.
(Isaiah 40:30-31 GW)

He blows me away. God is faithful even when I stuff it. Even when I think I’ve lost the plot and am fumbling around trying to pick up the pieces of a broken life.

Today was a special day. I cried… twice! But God did some healing, and even used me tonight to bring some love and affirmation to others – yeah, another reminder that God’s work in my life isn’t really for me.

This morning I initially awoke around 9am. Considered getting up, but couldn’t find the energy nor motivation until about midday. Finally pushed the blankets back and braved the daylight. Prayed for the healing of my own hayfever with no initial success, so hesitantly and regretfully took a Telfast which worked wonders.

Took a walk through Damper Creek trying to clear my head and think through everything that was happening lately. Things just didn’t seem quite right. I was in a battle and my thoughts were clouded. But my mind was surprisingly clear as I walked. I think the fresh air and sunshine do that. Getting into nature somehow brings perspective on life – it’s like you step back and can better see the big picture. Anyway, God and I had some awesome conversation back and forward. I read some awesome stuff in John 14-16.

Half way along Rachel messaged with “how are you going?” Hmmm… good question. I replied with some of the struggle I’d felt; how my heart felt under attack from seeking other things. Like it was divided and not totally captivated by God. The walk and discussion with God helped really bring a peace into my heart and mind. Got home and just sat there for quite a while.

The Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you everything and make you remember all that I have told you. "Peace is what I leave with you; it is my own peace that I give you. I do not give it as the world does. Do not be worried and upset; do not be afraid.
(John 14:26-27 GNB)

Then Rachel called and we talked through some of the things. She was amazing, insightful and prophetic with what she shared. She (ie. God) made me cry. God was still amazingly present amidst my confusion and anxiety; even using it to mould me and shape me into the person he wants me to be. I love him so much. It’s the one thing I usually cry over: grace. Amazing grace! How sweet the sound! That saved a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now I’m found. Was blind, but now I see!

"My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak." I am most happy, then, to be proud of my weaknesses, in order to feel the protection of Christ's power over me. I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
(2 Corinthians 12:9-10 GNB)

Tonight at CityLife we had a great time of worship during which I still felt burdened and restricted; like I couldn’t worship with the full amount of joy and peace that I often sense. But Brenda Turner led communion and some ministry with a story about a thermometer breaking inside her house. The little blobs of mercury went everywhere. It took her an hour and a half to painstakingly collect the blobs and make sure they were fully contained. God spoke to her: our lives are often full of broken pieces, but it’s painfully difficult and near-impossible to try and put things back together on our own. I was crying again as I vividly saw my attempts at trying to hold my own brokenness together. I cannot do it on my own. The service was a great time of ministry and encouragement. Afterward David Turner and James also prayed for me to be refreshed with new energy and stamina to finish the year well.

On the way home I felt impressed to visit Kristen, although somewhat apprehensive. “I don’t know if I have the energy or spiritual strength to properly relate and discuss things tonight” I thought. But I felt like God wanted me to, and so I obeyed…thankfully! Had a really good time with Kristen talking about getting lots of ex-Fuel people reconnected for a semi-reunion dinner. I felt really positive about the whole concept, and appreciated an opportunity to build my connection with Kristen.

On my way out to leave, I bumped into Sam and we had an amazing chat for about half an hour. I was able to listen to some of his struggles and pain, encourage him and pray. I love that we can both share deeply. He’s such a gentle, humble, sensitive guy with a huge heart for God.

God, thanks so much for your ongoing faithfulness and love for me. That you actually love me more, care more, see more and want more for me that I do for myself – that totally blows me away! WHY? I don’t deserve any of it. I just hope that I can somehow live a life reflecting that truth.

I will thank you, O Lord, among the nations. I will praise you among the peoples. Your constant love reaches the heavens; your faithfulness touches the skies. Show your greatness in the sky, O God, and your glory over all the earth.
(Psalms 57:9-11 GNB)

I need fresh revelation of God’s love for me. What is that really about?

And maybe I also need to do as Mark Conner suggested: sit down with a piece of paper split into half. What is God saying to commend me? And what is God challenging me about, to do better?

Shaking & Growing

The last week has been an interesting shake up. Shortly after the last post I began to feel a big drain on my emotions. Lack of sleep (from staying up praying) and a long day at work Thursday brought a weariness that really weighed me down. Thursday night Jono and Greg faithfully encouraged me and prayed for me – a huge reminder of the value of people around me; I cannot fight the war on my own!

Then Friday launched our FUEL Snow Camp. I was still a little tired, but praying for God to work and do some great things. God allowed me to have a great conversation with Raff… I explained some of the things that had been happening lately, but also shared my fear at losing ‘the anointing’. Did I have to keep up the immense level of prayer and seeking of God to gain the sense of joy, faith and confidence that I’d felt earlier in the week?

Raff raised the issue of high expectations: perfectionism, striving, critical attitudes; telling me of how high expectations often produce a sense of failure and criticism of other people. Unfortunately, much of it rang true. My own personal weakness and low sense of worth is often countered by a desperate reaching out for God, and a desire to do something meaningful. I’m grateful for the internal struggles which have pushed me to desire God so hungrily, and yet the inadequacy can become so crippling and defeating.

As I’ve prayed through some of those insights this week, I’ve begun to feel a real sense of peace, satisfaction, freedom – even when I haven’t accomplished something great or lived up to my mental image of what I should be like. Going through an ‘average’ day I’m beginning to just enjoy God and praise him for his amazing acceptance. I don’t need to be perfect, or ‘perform’ to gain his acceptance.

And yet, there’s the temptation to just rest in his acceptance; lie down and sleep. I still crave the fire of God to fall upon our generation; I’m hungry for changed lives and an army of disciples and kingdom warriors to arise and bring revival to our land.

How do I keep the fine balance of deep heart-felt peace, trust, contentment and sustained joy; while still giving everything I am to the cause of fighting to make the love and power of God known…not resting or giving up until my generation is free!? Mysterious dichotomy.

What can I do but pray?
Jesus is the Answerer, and my best friend. I’m in love with Him.

Just one day later and have many more stories of what God’s beginning to do… more and more people drawn into the presence of God.

(As a side note, after the word of encouragement Tuesday night, I got home and immediately received a message that seemed so discouraging in spite of what God seems to be doing lately. But…he’s working through it, growing me; and he’ll fix the problem soon enough!)

At Harvest, our Pneumatology class (study of the Holy Spirit) had a prophetic clinic – it’s amazing just spending time with a whole group of people seeking God, hungry for his presence and his word to us today. God gave me a word about waiting on the Lord for new strength, which I shared with the group. Our lecturer felt the need to pray for the chains and burdens weighing upon people, restricting their ministry and fruitfulness – wanting to be completely free of the burdens I often feel, I joined myself in that prayer.

Dropping into church, more encouragement came my way: Kerry wrote a note thanking me for my passion and for what I’m teaching people about who God is. And she gave me this quote:

“Authentic religion has to do with passion, with having passion.”
— Kierkegaard

Caroline was visibly grateful for what I’ve been doing, and when I asked about praise points and answers to prayer, she said she had a great list! She’s excited about the prayer meeting this Monday and is spreading the word to all her leaders about how amazing the last one was. I want to see a large group get touched and revived on Monday! God, take us further and deeper into you! Pour out your Spirit in abundance. Bring us to our knees in worship!

In the evening was our leaders huddle. I spent 90 minutes before-hand, just walking laps of the Waverley footy oval in the freezing cold, praying for a move of God in the house tonight, that he would bring fresh vision and a much needed touch in the lives of youth leaders. Tim joined in for the last 30 mins and together we sought God for more in FUEL and our church. We need reviving.

I asked God to pave the way through for what he wanted to do during the huddle. I find it really hard to stand up and bring God into a situation when someone else has a different agenda, and I never want to go against my pastors, but I’m so grateful for Jeff’s willingness and openness to have time for worship and prayer. With just two songs and some praise, God worked. I had the youth leaders, just seek God and ask for more. Tht we would have more intimacy with him, see more of his power in our lives. Sam spoke up towards the end with an expression of joy at how God had met him powerfully in the few minutes we had been seeking him. I believe others were moved by the Holy Spirit also, as joy and fellowship seemed to flow in the meeting from then on.

Afterward I prayed one on one for another leader and felt a rush of encouragement and hope flood back into them. I really want to minister God’s love and breakthrough power to individuals. I hope crowds and bright lights never eclipse my heart for individual hearts.

Everyone went home, but how could I sleep after that? I went back to the oval, and for another 80 minutes just praised God and interceded for those I knew needing revival. The more God does, and the more he opens me to new wonders and abilities, the more demonic attack I’m going to face. I will need people constantly upholding me and my family in prayer. But last night I told Satan where to go. And it’s not anywhere around me! And he must listen, because I have the authority and seal of the King of kings.

As I walked on the oval, my mind could see the entire ground filled with young people; singing, praying, worshiping. One day, perhaps God will bring revival in such a way that the entire football ground might be filled with people hungry to know God, and the life-changing presence of the Holy Spirit coming to heal and empower witnesses.

Revival town, that's what they're calling this place now
Revival town, it'll put a smile on your face now
Revival town

We're not on our own you know
It's all around the world
'Cos this is the freedom generation
Living for revival in this time

Hallelujah
People everywhere are singing
Hallelujah
You've turned my mourning into dancing

Well I've got a story to tell
About the King above all kings
You spoke for peace, hope, love and justice
Things that we all need today
You let a broken generation
Become a dancing generation
This revival generation

You may not hear it on the radio
But you can feel it on the air
Hallelujah, people everywhere are singing
Hallelujah, you've turned my mourning into dancing

Revival town, that's what they're calling this place now
Revival town, that's what they're calling this place now
Revival town.

— “Revival Town” by Delirious

Just now, my sister Shelley thanked me for the way our prayer & worship times have recently touched her. “I’ve just been walking around feeling pretty…numb. But at the prayer meeting, at small group, and at the leaders huddle, each time God’s just really seemed so close, and it’s bringing life back into me.” Cade, Jono and Sam would all echo that, among others. Slowly, more and more people are being drawn into the life-changing presence of the King. I’m just praying for a sustained impact, fruit that will last, and not just an emotional experience. Holy Spirit transform us.

Thursday night prayer… tonight! Woohoo! What will God do?

Tonight at Harvest

Wow… Tonight was one of the best I’ve had at Harvest. Driving there, I began with little real expectancy, but I decided to push myself, pray, and ask God for something special – that he might push us further, and grow the culture and attitude of students there. I asked God to speak to us, bring us revelation and insight.

Tonight we had Nick Tsakis, a senior pastor (ex-youth pastor) talk about issues from a senior pastor’s perspective, particularly the issue of a leader’s heart condition. Guarding your heart and keeping it pure. It was brilliant; many challenges and insights. But what particularly moved me, was his prophetic voice directly to me.

He said I had a ‘good spirit’, was ‘hungry’ and ‘asking questions’, and that recently had decided on full commitment to him, and that God wanted to honour that (read my last entry to see that!). That I was going to become someone who worked in miracles and ministered with authority. That although tension might appear from people around me who don’t understand, I was to continue seeking God and completely honour those around me, but discern when to obey or ignore their words.

Nick had never met me before, yet gave a word that was completely relevant and accurate. Praise God, for he knows our hearts, and desires to bring a word in season to encourage and build up. Father, I want to be someone that moves powerfully in the prophetic, bringing encouragement and direction to those you want to touch. Oh God, use me!

21 Days of Prayer Email

Hi to everybody out there who is still persistently praying and interceding for the youth and children at Syndal. Keep praying, don’t grow weary, for fruit is on its way – in fact some is already here!

I can’t speak for all our leaders, but I’m seeing spiritual breakthrough like nothing ever before in my own life, and those I pastor and care for. Jim Cymbala, pastor of the Brooklyn Tabernacle heard God communicate to him that his prayer meeting would be the barometer of his church, that it would determine the spiritual temperature and atmosphere among his people. Since I decided to follow that passion, God has gradually released more and more power and resources. Ministry becomes easier, my burdens become lighter, I feel stronger and less tired, I’m more aware of the spiritual world around me, I feel more love and joy, I love life…. I can crawl into bed at night with an intensely satisfying peace about life and intimacy with my ‘Dad’, a sense of awe, and a child-like excitement: “I wonder what will happen tomorrow!”

Prayer meetings are spontaneously firing up: two, three, four per week, and God moves each time in a fresh way to convict, challenge, inspire, empower and encourage. Those in the small group I lead are beginning to crave God more, wanting to spend 1 hour+ before our group meets (every week) to pray for God’s intervention, growing in loving intimacy with one another, and getting lost in worship, lasting well past our usual finishing time. Men, who are often apathetic or defeated are rising up with a bold faith to believe and trust God, and to step out in obedience.

Something is beginning amongst a few hungry young adults, that I hope and pray will spread to every corner of our church. It bears the faint smell of revival. God will one day bring revival to our nation, and I’m determined to be a part of it.

There’s been a disappointingly small number of people register for our youth snow camp this weekend, but a small number doesn’t mean a small impact. Please ask God for his amazing, transforming presence on that camp; for dramatic and lasting impact on lives; and for supernatural empowerment of the leaders.

Revival Fever

I do not know where to start writing, but I know that I must somehow record what has been happening lately… for I’ve not seen it within my church before!

I guess I should start back a few months, when a desire burned within me just to pray. Jim Cymbala from the Brooklyn Tabernacle believed that the temperature of prayer meetings would determine the spiritual temperature of the church and other ministries. So I began to pray; and with a passion. Apathy blankets me so often (and so many others I see) that I need to consistently arouse a passion to call upon God. But it’s not really that hard when you witness God moving and answering prayer, or the opposite, when you see such need around you that you become desperate. And so prayer became my most treasured activity.

21 days of Prayer

One morning as I spent time praying at church, I felt impressed to begin 21 days of focused prayer within our church – specifically for youth and children. I wrote down the ideas as they came, but didn’t do much with it initially. A few weeks went by, but the idea didn’t fade; in fact God seemed to continually remind me of it. So I set dates for the three week period to give myself a goal. Later I found out that the three weeks would conclude on FUEL’s major outreach camp of the year, and also encompass the vision team retreat (God must have planned it out!).

Two days before starting, I rushed to produce a 21-day calendar of need to be prayed for, and on the initial Sunday, visited all 3 services to build a supportive army of prayer warriors. Around 200 people took a calendar to pray over the time (exactly the target I had asked God for).

The following week, on Sunday evening we had a united prayer & worship time. With about 12 people, including youth leaders, pastors and some other supporters, we prayed and worshipped God. And something small happened that night, as God touched and encouraged people. People expressed their appreciation and thankfulness at having stayed for it. (Oh, but why only 12!) “We need this to happen more often” was a common response.

Giving it all

Last Saturday as I woke up, I felt impressed to take a walk. So I grabbed my dog Jack and took off into the park near my house. I began to praise and thank God. But on the return trip I became heavily convicted about my commitment to him. If God wanted to take my legs, and put me in a wheelchair to make me a more effective witness, would I be willing to accept it. For several minutes I couldn’t bring myself to pray… “Oh God, I….. I…. I want to…..” Until finally I decided that I wanted more than anything else to be used by God, and to allow him TOTAL FREEDOM in my life to do what he wanted. “God, I want to give you total freedom to do anything in my life to make me more effective for you. …Including taking away my legs if necessary. (Hey, maybe you’ll radically heal them anyway!) But God I want more of you!”

Thursday nights

Thursday night prayer meetings were spontaneously birthed a few weeks (months?) ago… just a few guys getting together to share and pray (mostly pray!). Every time we meet, it’s like God takes us on his own path and bypasses our own agendas.

Two weeks ago, two extra guys came along, and we began to pray for their needs and for the refreshing and filling of the Holy Spirit in those guys. It builds everyone up when we see God minister and speak to his children. Last Thursday I came feeling drained, and with less excitement than usual. Partly because I felt a weight of conviction upon me…that God wanted me to begin a stream of humble confession that night. And I was burdened until that opportunity came. But as I did it opened a massive gateway of joy into my own heart (I couldn’t help but just start laughing!) but also to intimacy and spiritual visions for the other guys. One dropped to his knees in worship because of seeing a picture of God in his glory.

The Holy Spirit is beginning to manifest his presence amongst this group of hungry guys as week truly seek God…worshiping him in spirit and in truth. And we’re praying that revival would begin in us, but then spread to our friends, small group, church, city and nation.

Small group

The small group of uni-aged young adults is next in line for the Spirit’s renewal. Last week, a portion of the group attended Prepare The Way, a movement of young adults dedicating a week to pray for Melbourne. I believe it cultured an appetite to pray and really press into God more.

Last night, I arrived 2 hours early to my small group location to setup and begin to pray. The normal 1 hour prayer meeting just didn’t seem adequate! Michael joined in for a short while and we just fell into worship, and had an amazing time praying together. As Michael left, 3 others joined in and we passionately invited the Holy Spirit into our meeting. Then we stood and listened for what God was saying to us: to individuals and our group as a whole. Numerous words of encouragement and prophecy got scrawled onto our whiteboard. God’s promises combined with our obedience will bring fulfillment!

I felt God wanted us to explore ‘transformation’ in the group that night. After dinner we talked about the amazing transformation of the disciples/apostles and the primary cause of the change: the Holy Spirit. We stood, sang, worshiped, and asked the Holy Spirit to fill us and transform our lives. I laid hands on every member of the group asking for a fresh filling of power to be a witness for Christ. I believe many received a new level of intimacy with God and the Holy Spirit. As I considered formally ending the night, another song was played and everyone just continued on worshiping God. Standing, kneeling, sitting, curled up on the floor, arms and hands raised in adoration. God blew my mind at how he might use my poor, broken gifts to touch so many people with power. I sang, prayed, danced and laughed through the rest of the evening. Gradually people left to go home, with warm hugs all-round; until 4 guys remained. A fire had been birthed in us tonight, and we weren’t finished! We stood in a tight huddle and passionately cried out in praise, thanks, and petition for more of God’s work in our lives, and those around us.

I’ve never seen a night like that amongst us. It’s something than cannot be cultured or created, but only birthed by the Spirit. I hope and pray that it’s only the beginning of something far greater. Our church, city and nation is in real need of a refreshing revival. Oh, that God would manifest himself amongst us with greater frequency and intensity.

Future…

What will the future hold? It will depend on my continued hunger for God, thirst for knowing him, humility in pointing others to him, and courage to stand and fight against the work of the enemy, and well-meaning Christians who threaten to quench the Spirit. God, I want to be part of the coming revival to Australia. Use me to build a core team of warrior-leaders that will recruit an army that ushers in lasting and sustained revival to Melbourne, Australia, and other nations of the world.

22nd on the 22nd

Today’s my 22^nd. Reflecting on what God has planned for my life!

Twenty-two years ago the doctors fought to keep me alive. Due to complications with my mothers’ pregnancy she was told I might not survive, yet if I did, I’d probably be brain-damaged. Yet on that bed she desperately asked God to protect me, and that if so, she’d give me to him. God saved and healed me miraculously - on Easter Sunday.

“I will not die, but I will live to tell of what the Lord has done.”
- Psalm 118

Since then the enemy’s been fighting and scheming to restrict and steal the future God has for me. I believe that something big’s gonna happen. I’m just so hungry for God to move within me and through me to reach and touch many other people. Yet right now I’m just learning, searching, growing, and building myself up to be a person of integrity, submission and insight so as to handle whatever God’s gonna do.

I thank him for his willingness to use such a weak man like me; though with his strength, I can and will scale any wall, I will bombard the gates of hell, I will take back what the enemy has stolen from our generation, I will be a part of the move of God across our country, I will testify to the love and grace of God, and I will stand for Christ that his name may be known and honoured among the nations.

Amen.

The Bait of Satan

Just returned this afternoon from the Leadership Summit presented by CityLife Church and Planetshakers… what an amazing time!

John Bevere presented. Here I was going into it not quite knowing what to expect. Who was this guy? Another bizarre Pentecostal from the U.S.? My preconceptions were rapidly smashed. John was this amazing communicator with heaps of joy and an infectious smile. He was powerful, and anointed, but still really down-to-earth. Knew solidly who he was inside of Christ, but had a grasp of what his flesh was like outside of Christ also. I wanna be like this man.

So Monday night he starts the conference giving Jesus the praise and the glory. Ahead John sees a move of the spirit coming that will make Pentecost look moderate (imagine that!). There’s so much more coming, and yet we’re in real need of the character to sustain a move of God like the one he wants to do amongst us… My character and my heart was in for some serious surgery over the next few sessions.

Just a few concepts that really impacted and convicted me:

• Although a great harvest is coming, there’s one primary weapon the enemy will use to attempt to abort it… OFFENCE
• We need to be careful not to be deceived in the last days. We need a deep love of the truth – beyond what is comfortable, what we prefer, or what we can intellectually handle
• Many will be offended. Offence builds walls or strongholds. Offended hearts are breeding grounds for deception, and they become vulnerable to isolation from the body of Christ. The enemy wants to ‘unplug’ believers from the church.
• There are wolves in sheep’s clothing, but notice it doesn’t say in ‘shepherds’ clothing – there’s more wolves in the pews than behind the pulpit.
• We’re hurt deepest by those closest to us – in our church and our family
• Do we have the right to be offended? Well God’s given us the right to do whatever we want (we can choose hell if we want!), yet NO: if we want to walk with God we don’t have the right to be offended.
• If someone’s offended, they’ve forgotten how much they’ve been forgiven of. Our forgiveness should be inexhaustible like our Heavenly Father’s. How would we like it if God actually forgave us the same way we forgive other people… yet that’s actually what he does.
• We need to become strong – where blows bounce right off us. We need to get in shape, exercising our spiritual muscles.
• The answer, the solution to offence: pray for those who abuse you! (Matt 5:44) Sometimes it’s so hard. But don’t just pray half-heartedly, ask God to bless them with what you’d want Him to give you. Pray for their family like you pray for your own family.
• You cannot base your prayer life based on what you feel. Pray, pray, pray. LOVE them. That’s when the junk of offence comes out and you get free.
• Offence is the bait of Satan. It takes you captive, and you no longer release pure waters to others. You can still minister, but it won’t be with the same power as when you’re free.
• John spoke of a vision. Demons were riding in formation against the body of Christ, although they weren’t riding horses, they were riding on the backs of Christians who were offended.

And that was just a small selection from session 1! Session 2 had a fair bit more:

• We’re living in exciting times. We’re pregnant for a move of God.
• God needs people who will cooperate with him.
• There was no division in Joshua’s generation; they understood authority.
• Unity paves the way for God to pour out his glory. In Acts 2 the believers were all “in one accord” when God poured out his Spirit. Today we become divided so easily over stupid things.
• We live in a world dominated by democracy… we need to get an understanding of authority and submission. (Sounds uncomfortable hey? Yet it’s part of God’s design for our growth. Read on!)
• Not all authority is ‘godly’ but it’s all God-appointed. The Egyptian Pharaoh became a powerful and rich ruler, yet it was God who gave him the authority (see Rom 9: “For this very purpose I raised you up.”)
• God is way ahead of any leadership. Ungodly leaders over us can actually be placed there by him. God’s priority is not our comfort, but our redemption. No one gets into office without God knowing about it.
• “Don’t speak against the ruler of your people.” – Acts 23:5
• Peter insisted that believers honour the king – even the king that was putting believers to death!
• If you submit yourself to authority, there are two benefits:
• God says “I’ll fight for you”
• You set yourself up for a promotion or a blessing (if you handle it correctly)
• Two parts: OBEY and BE SUBMISSIVE. You can obey without being submissive. ‘Submission’ and ‘willingness’ refers to your attitude, obedience – to your actions.
• David submitted to Saul even though he became an evil ruler.
• Miriam and Aaron spoke against Moses. Even though they were probably right (they had a point) they were also wrong because they disrespected his authority. You can be 100% right and still be wrong.
• God will use the sins and mistakes of your leader to expose you – revealing your heart and attitude of submission
• Miriam and Aaron allowed gifting in their lives to elevate themselves above the authority.
• Seeing myself above my pastor is VERY, VERY, VERY DANGEROUS.
• People that submit to authority usually experience growth, promotion and blessing, while those that rebel and change church, or go into their own ministry will often experience disaster (John gave many examples)
• God: “Whose ministry are you building? Mine or yours?”
• I am an extension of my pastor’s arms and legs.
• The account we must give to God will firstly not be about the number of souls, but about our submission to authority
• Division = “two visions”
• John wouldn’t be standing there today if he’d failed that test with authority

Somebody Get Your Praise On!

Tonight I skipped church at Syndal (is that bad?) to be a part of CityLife’s corporate prayer meeting. It’s always pretty amazing. Seeing hundreds of people actually choosing to come to a prayer meeting, and getting passionately involved gets me excited. After a time of worship, we spent a little time asking God to fill us up – each person coming with some kind of burden or distraction, yet we want to focus on God fully and hear what he has to say to us.

Mark gave a short word and I just love the picture he gave – once in the past God gave him a vision of four walls creeping in against him in an attempt to hinder his ministry and effectiveness. Each wall had a label: FEAR, DISCOURAGEMENT, UNBELIEF and APATHY. It hit me, because I really feel like those four issues are often what holds me back and prevents me from really taking on all that God wants to do. As Mark said, I need to really push out and be on the offensive against these enemies – not let fear dominate my walk, but build myself up in confidence, by trusting and truly believing that what God has promised he will do – even when I don’t see it in the natural. I want to enlarge my borders, not be hemmed in.

We prayed for our unsaved friends, for the addition of leaders and volunteers to the church, for the release of mission workers (plus those already on the field), and for Jesus to wildly impact the nations where missions are targeted: mainly throughout Asia, the Middle-East, Europe and Africa.

Just some of the other words which I really found insightful or impacting during the meeting:

• You don’t find giants in the wilderness – only when you’re about to enter the promised land
• We’re not wrestling against flesh and blood (people!) but against the enemies of the unseen world
• Sometimes we wait for others to come and be the salvation our churches or movements need, but WE could be the ones! Perhaps our generation is the one to rise up and really make the difference and change the tide
• God is taunting the enemy with his people when they rise up in unified prayer and praise
• Don’t look at the NOW, look at what CAN BE
• PRAYER + PERSISTANCE
• Some of us need to work at getting Christians to smile – some are so weighed down and living with hurt. Perhaps we can bring encouragement and minister to each other to lift the chains from our brothers and sisters.
• Leaders should not be greedy, but eager to serve – the prayer is that their love would be increased, and it would overflow into the flock
• Some of our greatest warfare is through our praise! PRAISE HIM!
• When prayer wasn’t happening Jesus wasn’t happy. It should be a house of prayer for all nations!!

And before I knew it, it was 8 o’clock – two hours felt like about 45 minutes.

Internship starts tomorrow!

Tomorrow’s the day! Finally starting my internship at Syndal Baptist. A little hesitantly, but quite excitedly. Excited about the possibilities of making myself available for God – to serve, to minister, and to usher in the Holy Spirit into the lives of young people needing a purpose, a reason for living. God…! Mould me, make me into a leader after your own heart. Please speak to me, give me your word, your direction; supernatural insight and wisdom to speak into lives and lead other leaders to have meaningful (eternal!) impact on the youth under their care.

God, we so wanna see lives changed and turned around as your grace and healing power are released in our church and youth ministry. Please have your way amongst us, beginning in me! I’m hungry to see you move and stir us to greater levels of commitment, hunger, obedience, service, and power! Raise up this youth generation to bring revival to Melbourne, to Australia! And may our nation truly live up to it’s name as given almost 400 years ago (only a few weeks away)… “The Great South Land of the Holy Spirit”. May we see a move of your spirit like nothing this nation has ever seen.

Thankyou for what you’re going to do. It will be tough, because we’re in a battle, fighting a war for souls… But I ask for your armour that I may stand strong until the end, fighting the good fight!

Give me time to rest, time to pray, time to speak up & out, time to hold silence, and time to exalt you in roaring praise. I want to be humble, teachable, reliant, confident, bold, focused, creative, outrageous, radical, authentic, friendly, loving, worshipful, peaceful, content, dissatisfied, hungry, yearning, attentive, obedient, submissive, barbaric, fearless, loud, clear, purposeful, powerful… all at the same time! Dwell in me Lord, produce fruit! Empower gifts! Transform me into your likeness! I want to live according to the Spirit! Holy Spirit I honour you, I invite you in, have your way!