I don’t think I’m great at coping with this pain… Yesterday was good, but still really hard. And I awoke this morning to more negativity and torment. Hungry and weak from fasting.

Oh Lord, I’m so fragile, so sensitive to harsh comments and experiences. How will I ever become secure, like a solid rock? I believe you will transform me into such… I’m holding on. But it feels like a long process. But: You Are God!

Yesterday had a really good talk with Andi Hillman, which just raised a lot of issues and confusion that I didn’t really know how to address or explain. But he was really helpful and somewhat understanding.
(It’s so hard to find someone that understands me! The closer I get to God sometimes, the harder to find someone with similar struggles and pain that has my perspective. Maybe others can still have insight and helpful perspective though.)

Then had a talk with Andy and Kristy about how I was going. That was really tough, but necessary and helpful (for the most part). Some things we discussed were:

• Me apologizing for my lack of strong leadership. My withdrawing and timidity.
• My real struggle with spiritual dryness and lack of connection with God – and how that really affects my relationships with people and the team; often feeling an inability to really lead with hearing from God.
• A harsh word about being a better leader. But I need to forgive and press on. This is a war, casualties abound, I cannot afford to surrender to the enemy, or agree with his plans. He must be stopped at all costs!
• Encouragement – some words of affirmation about my spiritual mind, my insight, my strong leadership (when it’s there), and how they’d noticed a difference in how I was leading. They also wanted to know how best to care for me. “What can we do?” I really don’t know though.

Father, as I type these words, I really need to offload them! I cannot carry the weight, it is too much of a burden. Please Jesus take my pain, heal my heart, and strengthen my resolve, my joy, my peace, and my confidence to really lead people and take them to higher places in you. God, you have called me here to lead, and I want to honour that and serve you well. But I feel so encumbered, prevented, attacked. I’m always a huge target for the enemy because my strength comes from you. He will try anything to destroy my connection (or sense of connection).

Even when I fail you, I know you love me
Your holy presence, surrounding me
In every season, I know you love me
I know you love me….!

At the cross I bow my knee
Where your blood was shed for me
There’s no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?

Your hand upholds me, I know you love me!
You tore the veil, you made a way, when you said that “it is done”

When the earth fades, falls from my eyes
And you stand before me, I know you love me, I know you love me!

– At the Cross, by Hillsong

For nothing can separate me from your love!!

In view of all this, what can we say? If God is for us, who can be against us? Certainly not God, who did not even keep back his own Son, but offered him for us all! He gave us his Son---will he not also freely give us all things?

Who will accuse God's chosen people? God himself declares them not guilty! Who, then, will condemn them? Not Christ Jesus, who died, or rather, who was raised to life and is at the right side of God, pleading with him for us!

Who, then, can separate us from the love of Christ? Can trouble do it, or hardship or persecution or hunger or poverty or danger or death? … No, in all these things we have complete victory through him who loved us! For I am certain that nothing can separate us from his love: neither death nor life, neither angels nor other heavenly rulers or powers, neither the present nor the future, neither the world above nor the world below---there is nothing in all creation that will ever be able to separate us from the love of God which is ours through Christ Jesus our Lord.

– Romans 8:31-39 (GNB)

If my heart has grown cold, there your love will unfold
As you open my eyes to the work of your hand
WhenI’m blind to my way, there your spirit will pray
As you open my eyes to the work of your hand

Oceans will part, nations come
At the whisper of your call
Hope will rise, glory shown
In my life, your will be done!

– Oceans Will Part, by Hillsong

Thankyou Jesus for your grace that surrounds me, for your love that reaches so deep, for your faithfulness that withstands my failure, for your acceptance that passes through my rejection, for your hope that stands when all else falls, for your sacrifice to save a thankless and ungrateful race. Jesus, your work is wonderful, and you are doing a great, mighty, powerful work inside me, and inside this town. I want to get on board with your plan. Help me accept everything you intend for me, and see from your perspective while fighting with everything in me against the enemies of your plan. Heal my wounds and memories, give me a garment of praise that sees past my circumstances, and a true peace that is unshakable. Lord, you understand me and feel my pain, even when no one else does. When no one else is around to support and encourage, you stand! You are wonderful, glorious, Jesus and I love you.

To you Oh Lord, I lift my soul
In you O God, I place my trust!
Do not let me, be put to shame
Don’t let my enemies triumph over me

My hope is You
Show me your ways
Guide me in truth, in all my days
My hope is You!!

My broken spirit shouts, my mended heart cries out: my hope is You!

– My Hope Is You, by Third Day

2007 Opens... at Boort Coffee Shop

Just here on Boort Coffee shop with so much running through my head – doubts, questions, struggles, confusion, apathy, distraction, numbness, emptiness. None of it really helpful to the cause here. Yet does God have a higher purpose? Is there a reason for it all? Will good come out of it?

Cos I’m a little low on hope, excitement or passion. How can I escape this cloud? And assuming I can in the next day or two, what happens when I get back to Melbourne and work full-time for another 2-3 weeks. Will it all just be broken again as I lose myself in the work? Lose my heart, lose the love for life? I’m so scared God. You really need to help me break through this…….

Amazing Love!
How can it be? That you my king would die for me…
I know it’s true, it’s my joy to honour you, in all I do!

You’re an amazing God!! Somehow, somewhere… you are with me through all this. Watching over me, loving me, yearning… desiring that I understand what I need to, quickly learning what you’re teaching so that we can move on.

Father help me process this stuff and escape the floating junk.

All kinds of thoughts flying around at the moment

• what do I do when I feel apathetic and low on passion? Is that just a problem of our society that I need to learn to break out of? Do I need to stir up my own desire and passion when it lacks?
  Discontentment breaks down apathy
• How do I lead people when I feel empty and disconnected? Can I honestly and genuinely lead others when I don’t seem to be hearing from God? How does that work? Should I just concentrate on serving?
• Loneliness. Like no one really understands me or my perspective. My world centers on the spiritual, how do I live amongst people whom that doesn’t seem to be their reality. When my spiritual world is a mess, how am I supposed to cope in the physical world?
• And how do I effectively live in the spiritual realms, while bringing that back to the physical world? How can I communicate from one to the other? How can I show people clearly what God is saying? How can I share vision?
• How do I break free of the depression of those around me: my mum, and our general society that seems so lost, broken, lifeless, shallow.
  Don’t copy their attitudes or thoughts, be separate, be holy, walk a different path. Get close to God before anything else, find purpose in him, don’t search for fulfillment in anything else. HE is the only hope for escaping darkness and depression. HE is the light, HE is the source of life. THE WAY, THE TRUTH, THE LIFE. Praise him.
• Attraction, desire, longing for a partner, a close friend that I can live with, love and be close to, intimate. And how do I cope when that seems out of reach? Trust, not clinging or striving or manufacturing. God is in control and knows the person that will fit me. His design and timing, not mine.

Lord God… I so desperately need you. I cry out for you! I’m alone without you; naked; inadequate; lost. Please draw me close to you, bring me back to what we had a few months ago. Please shake off these doubts, the lies of the enemy and every foreign thought or attitude that is not of you. God help me win this battle of my mind.

Jesus, you reign! You are victorious, you will carry me through, you will rescue me from the storm, the waves crashing around me. Lord, on you I will stand, and on you I will prevail. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. Because you are Lord of all, no power matches yours, no one can raise an argument or force against you. On your command the nations bow, all forces of evil tremble.

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour our I’ll
Turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord,
Still I will say
Blessed be your name!

I bless and praise your glorious name Lord Jesus. Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God almighty!!!

• Waiting upon the Lord… How do I act when I need to wait upon God?
• Those that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. – Isaiah 40:31
• Serving. Perhaps as I wait, and when I’m not spiritually whole, I just need to continually serve. Press on, even without feeling like it.
• But diligently wait upon God. Long, unhurried time in his presence. Silence. Pouring out thoughts, feelings. Offering pain into the loving hands of God.

PRAISE HIM….

He is holy!!

Really Sick

Shaking, breaking, remoulding. Why does God have to do that to me constantly?

Struggled so hard the last two weeks… only just coming out of it the last few days. God allows it for some strange, unknown reason. Actually, I know the reason: he wants me to grow – and my comfort is a small price to pay for my maturity. Yeah… easier said than accepted.

Two weeks ago I feel really sick. All Friday night I felt food come up the wrong way. Until there was no more food, only black bile. Yeah, thoroughly enjoyable I know. Then for several days my energy went on holiday, leaving me barely able to walk. Initially I calmly accepted it as a time to stop (God’s been wanting me to do that for a while, I figured out!). Just laying in bed I had time to reflect on my lifestyle and pace of living, and just drawing closer to God in the quietness. But slowly I started to find things to alleviate my boredom – television, DVDs, time on the computer. And soon the quietness God had intended was filled with noise and stray thoughts. And the voice of God grew dim. I don’t think that was one of my more brilliant ideas. The book God.net captured what was happening, illuminating my circumstance as I read: disobedience leads to distraction, distraction leads to darkness. Whenever I selfishly ignore God for a period of time, I hunger for something (anything?) to fill the void that is left – usually something entertaining/stimulating/addictive. And for a while, I don’t notice the painful absence of my very best friend. But soon after, the void feels worse. It’s black, the darkness.

Every day of my life I face a spiritual battle. God maintains my attention more and more of the time recently, and the enemy turns up the heat knowing he must stop me at all costs. Spiritual warfare is usually a daily reality, battling negative thoughts and painful memories (and my lazy flesh!). Usually, I do OK at resisting the force attacking my soul, but as I grew sick, my resolve dwindled and my resistance weakened. The lies, clouds of doubt, discouragement and loneliness spiraled out of control as I struggled alone. It was depressing, but still I pushed on alone, hoping that somehow my weak attempts at prayer would be enough to break through this. Surely God wanted to tell me something through this, anyway?

But 13 days later, as I crashed into bed with no motivation to do anything – the guilt, hopelessness, inadequacy, frustration and all the walls that threatened to oppose me closed in with a squeeze. I’m so alone. I can’t see any way out of this. I’ve tried just about everything I know to do. …Except call on other people. I needed to let others know of the battle and call for prayer. So as I weakly picked up my mobile and started a message, 20-30 minutes went by as I stumbled to find words and fighting thoughts of pride and continuing alone. But I couldn’t help myself anymore, I was fully broken. So as my SMS broadcasted to every praying friend, something shook in the heavenlies.

God, thank you for setting me free! I love you!

It seems like the last four weeks had taken me on a gradual decline into negativity and depression, lots of mornings I would just wake up with an unshakable feeling of emptiness and sometimes hopelessness. Why did I feel in pain and yet not know the cause? It was becoming so bad that even spending a whole day at church doing things I normally love, I was just so unsettled and uncomfortable. What was wrong?

Monday last week as my small group met, I mentioned the struggle I was having and people prayed for me – I think that initiated something, as I was finally willing to be vulnerable and open with a group. Several things during the week helped encourage and lift me up, but Sunday night brought the breakthrough. I’d been reading ‘Waking the Dead’ by John Eldridge on and off during the previous couple of weeks, loving it, but intrigued about the upcoming chapter entitled ‘warfare’. On Sunday night I felt particularly burdened to open that chapter and discover the content.

I felt God rain down his revelation and open my eyes as I read. John wrote about the attacks of the enemy often being in the form of subtle suggestions in our minds. Little words and thoughts that aren’t forced in, but just dropped in neatly, appearing true at strategic times when we’re most likely to believe them. In western society where the devil usually chooses to remain invisible, subtle suggestion is one of his primary weapons. We fall when we respond in agreement. I’m not doing a very good job at leadership… I’ve let God down so many times lately… I’m never going to be able to beat this… I feel so trapped… I’m so broken… And the thoughts go on and on, gaining momentum as I choose to agree with them. Oh, but it’s good to believe this stuff – at least I’m not prideful… It’s actually humbling. Oh how scheming and dangerous demonic spirits can be, and yet none have power over me other than what I allow. I had chosen to believe the destructively targeted thoughts of the enemy. The thoughts often were half-true and so I inclined to believe them; and yet I realized that they had fueled the slide into darkness and depression. Immediately I stopped agreeing, and I felt darkness immediately begin to lift. It was like fresh air just blew into my mind and body. Peace and joy started to return – I had missed them so much during the past several weeks. And I gently eased off to sleep with worship and praise in my head.

As I awoke the next morning I was cautious… Was last night just a momentary experience or was it going to change things? But as I crawled out of bed I determined again not to be in agreement with any form of numbing or depressing thoughts. No condemnation. No negativity. No self-pity or self-absorption. Just faith, hope and love. The entire day progressed ten times easier than most days in the previous few weeks. It was like nothing shook me. Even when negative circumstances cast their ominous shadow I was not going to let them drag down my spirit.

It’s now Thursday, and although I’m now feeling quite tired, I’m committed to believing what God says about me and the world – knowing HIS truth, that the truth might set me free, and not allowing the devil to “steal, kill and destroy” anything of what God wants to do in and through me.

There are some phenomenal plans God has coming, but I’m afraid I’ll sound arrogant if I share them. Maybe in a post another time. He is so amazing, so faithful when we wait upon him and hungrily seek his face.

Even young people grow tired and become weary, and young men will stumble and fall. Yet, the strength of those who wait with hope in the LORD will be renewed. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and won't become weary. They will walk and won't grow tired.
(Isaiah 40:30-31 GW)

He blows me away. God is faithful even when I stuff it. Even when I think I’ve lost the plot and am fumbling around trying to pick up the pieces of a broken life.

Today was a special day. I cried… twice! But God did some healing, and even used me tonight to bring some love and affirmation to others – yeah, another reminder that God’s work in my life isn’t really for me.

This morning I initially awoke around 9am. Considered getting up, but couldn’t find the energy nor motivation until about midday. Finally pushed the blankets back and braved the daylight. Prayed for the healing of my own hayfever with no initial success, so hesitantly and regretfully took a Telfast which worked wonders.

Took a walk through Damper Creek trying to clear my head and think through everything that was happening lately. Things just didn’t seem quite right. I was in a battle and my thoughts were clouded. But my mind was surprisingly clear as I walked. I think the fresh air and sunshine do that. Getting into nature somehow brings perspective on life – it’s like you step back and can better see the big picture. Anyway, God and I had some awesome conversation back and forward. I read some awesome stuff in John 14-16.

Half way along Rachel messaged with “how are you going?” Hmmm… good question. I replied with some of the struggle I’d felt; how my heart felt under attack from seeking other things. Like it was divided and not totally captivated by God. The walk and discussion with God helped really bring a peace into my heart and mind. Got home and just sat there for quite a while.

The Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you everything and make you remember all that I have told you. "Peace is what I leave with you; it is my own peace that I give you. I do not give it as the world does. Do not be worried and upset; do not be afraid.
(John 14:26-27 GNB)

Then Rachel called and we talked through some of the things. She was amazing, insightful and prophetic with what she shared. She (ie. God) made me cry. God was still amazingly present amidst my confusion and anxiety; even using it to mould me and shape me into the person he wants me to be. I love him so much. It’s the one thing I usually cry over: grace. Amazing grace! How sweet the sound! That saved a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now I’m found. Was blind, but now I see!

"My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak." I am most happy, then, to be proud of my weaknesses, in order to feel the protection of Christ's power over me. I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
(2 Corinthians 12:9-10 GNB)

Tonight at CityLife we had a great time of worship during which I still felt burdened and restricted; like I couldn’t worship with the full amount of joy and peace that I often sense. But Brenda Turner led communion and some ministry with a story about a thermometer breaking inside her house. The little blobs of mercury went everywhere. It took her an hour and a half to painstakingly collect the blobs and make sure they were fully contained. God spoke to her: our lives are often full of broken pieces, but it’s painfully difficult and near-impossible to try and put things back together on our own. I was crying again as I vividly saw my attempts at trying to hold my own brokenness together. I cannot do it on my own. The service was a great time of ministry and encouragement. Afterward David Turner and James also prayed for me to be refreshed with new energy and stamina to finish the year well.

On the way home I felt impressed to visit Kristen, although somewhat apprehensive. “I don’t know if I have the energy or spiritual strength to properly relate and discuss things tonight” I thought. But I felt like God wanted me to, and so I obeyed…thankfully! Had a really good time with Kristen talking about getting lots of ex-Fuel people reconnected for a semi-reunion dinner. I felt really positive about the whole concept, and appreciated an opportunity to build my connection with Kristen.

On my way out to leave, I bumped into Sam and we had an amazing chat for about half an hour. I was able to listen to some of his struggles and pain, encourage him and pray. I love that we can both share deeply. He’s such a gentle, humble, sensitive guy with a huge heart for God.

God, thanks so much for your ongoing faithfulness and love for me. That you actually love me more, care more, see more and want more for me that I do for myself – that totally blows me away! WHY? I don’t deserve any of it. I just hope that I can somehow live a life reflecting that truth.

I will thank you, O Lord, among the nations. I will praise you among the peoples. Your constant love reaches the heavens; your faithfulness touches the skies. Show your greatness in the sky, O God, and your glory over all the earth.
(Psalms 57:9-11 GNB)

I need fresh revelation of God’s love for me. What is that really about?

And maybe I also need to do as Mark Conner suggested: sit down with a piece of paper split into half. What is God saying to commend me? And what is God challenging me about, to do better?