God, thank you for setting me free! I love you!

It seems like the last four weeks had taken me on a gradual decline into negativity and depression, lots of mornings I would just wake up with an unshakable feeling of emptiness and sometimes hopelessness. Why did I feel in pain and yet not know the cause? It was becoming so bad that even spending a whole day at church doing things I normally love, I was just so unsettled and uncomfortable. What was wrong?

Monday last week as my small group met, I mentioned the struggle I was having and people prayed for me – I think that initiated something, as I was finally willing to be vulnerable and open with a group. Several things during the week helped encourage and lift me up, but Sunday night brought the breakthrough. I’d been reading ‘Waking the Dead’ by John Eldridge on and off during the previous couple of weeks, loving it, but intrigued about the upcoming chapter entitled ‘warfare’. On Sunday night I felt particularly burdened to open that chapter and discover the content.

I felt God rain down his revelation and open my eyes as I read. John wrote about the attacks of the enemy often being in the form of subtle suggestions in our minds. Little words and thoughts that aren’t forced in, but just dropped in neatly, appearing true at strategic times when we’re most likely to believe them. In western society where the devil usually chooses to remain invisible, subtle suggestion is one of his primary weapons. We fall when we respond in agreement. I’m not doing a very good job at leadership… I’ve let God down so many times lately… I’m never going to be able to beat this… I feel so trapped… I’m so broken… And the thoughts go on and on, gaining momentum as I choose to agree with them. Oh, but it’s good to believe this stuff – at least I’m not prideful… It’s actually humbling. Oh how scheming and dangerous demonic spirits can be, and yet none have power over me other than what I allow. I had chosen to believe the destructively targeted thoughts of the enemy. The thoughts often were half-true and so I inclined to believe them; and yet I realized that they had fueled the slide into darkness and depression. Immediately I stopped agreeing, and I felt darkness immediately begin to lift. It was like fresh air just blew into my mind and body. Peace and joy started to return – I had missed them so much during the past several weeks. And I gently eased off to sleep with worship and praise in my head.

As I awoke the next morning I was cautious… Was last night just a momentary experience or was it going to change things? But as I crawled out of bed I determined again not to be in agreement with any form of numbing or depressing thoughts. No condemnation. No negativity. No self-pity or self-absorption. Just faith, hope and love. The entire day progressed ten times easier than most days in the previous few weeks. It was like nothing shook me. Even when negative circumstances cast their ominous shadow I was not going to let them drag down my spirit.

It’s now Thursday, and although I’m now feeling quite tired, I’m committed to believing what God says about me and the world – knowing HIS truth, that the truth might set me free, and not allowing the devil to “steal, kill and destroy” anything of what God wants to do in and through me.

There are some phenomenal plans God has coming, but I’m afraid I’ll sound arrogant if I share them. Maybe in a post another time. He is so amazing, so faithful when we wait upon him and hungrily seek his face.

Even young people grow tired and become weary, and young men will stumble and fall. Yet, the strength of those who wait with hope in the LORD will be renewed. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and won't become weary. They will walk and won't grow tired.
(Isaiah 40:30-31 GW)

He blows me away. God is faithful even when I stuff it. Even when I think I’ve lost the plot and am fumbling around trying to pick up the pieces of a broken life.

Today was a special day. I cried… twice! But God did some healing, and even used me tonight to bring some love and affirmation to others – yeah, another reminder that God’s work in my life isn’t really for me.

This morning I initially awoke around 9am. Considered getting up, but couldn’t find the energy nor motivation until about midday. Finally pushed the blankets back and braved the daylight. Prayed for the healing of my own hayfever with no initial success, so hesitantly and regretfully took a Telfast which worked wonders.

Took a walk through Damper Creek trying to clear my head and think through everything that was happening lately. Things just didn’t seem quite right. I was in a battle and my thoughts were clouded. But my mind was surprisingly clear as I walked. I think the fresh air and sunshine do that. Getting into nature somehow brings perspective on life – it’s like you step back and can better see the big picture. Anyway, God and I had some awesome conversation back and forward. I read some awesome stuff in John 14-16.

Half way along Rachel messaged with “how are you going?” Hmmm… good question. I replied with some of the struggle I’d felt; how my heart felt under attack from seeking other things. Like it was divided and not totally captivated by God. The walk and discussion with God helped really bring a peace into my heart and mind. Got home and just sat there for quite a while.

The Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you everything and make you remember all that I have told you. "Peace is what I leave with you; it is my own peace that I give you. I do not give it as the world does. Do not be worried and upset; do not be afraid.
(John 14:26-27 GNB)

Then Rachel called and we talked through some of the things. She was amazing, insightful and prophetic with what she shared. She (ie. God) made me cry. God was still amazingly present amidst my confusion and anxiety; even using it to mould me and shape me into the person he wants me to be. I love him so much. It’s the one thing I usually cry over: grace. Amazing grace! How sweet the sound! That saved a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now I’m found. Was blind, but now I see!

"My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak." I am most happy, then, to be proud of my weaknesses, in order to feel the protection of Christ's power over me. I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
(2 Corinthians 12:9-10 GNB)

Tonight at CityLife we had a great time of worship during which I still felt burdened and restricted; like I couldn’t worship with the full amount of joy and peace that I often sense. But Brenda Turner led communion and some ministry with a story about a thermometer breaking inside her house. The little blobs of mercury went everywhere. It took her an hour and a half to painstakingly collect the blobs and make sure they were fully contained. God spoke to her: our lives are often full of broken pieces, but it’s painfully difficult and near-impossible to try and put things back together on our own. I was crying again as I vividly saw my attempts at trying to hold my own brokenness together. I cannot do it on my own. The service was a great time of ministry and encouragement. Afterward David Turner and James also prayed for me to be refreshed with new energy and stamina to finish the year well.

On the way home I felt impressed to visit Kristen, although somewhat apprehensive. “I don’t know if I have the energy or spiritual strength to properly relate and discuss things tonight” I thought. But I felt like God wanted me to, and so I obeyed…thankfully! Had a really good time with Kristen talking about getting lots of ex-Fuel people reconnected for a semi-reunion dinner. I felt really positive about the whole concept, and appreciated an opportunity to build my connection with Kristen.

On my way out to leave, I bumped into Sam and we had an amazing chat for about half an hour. I was able to listen to some of his struggles and pain, encourage him and pray. I love that we can both share deeply. He’s such a gentle, humble, sensitive guy with a huge heart for God.

God, thanks so much for your ongoing faithfulness and love for me. That you actually love me more, care more, see more and want more for me that I do for myself – that totally blows me away! WHY? I don’t deserve any of it. I just hope that I can somehow live a life reflecting that truth.

I will thank you, O Lord, among the nations. I will praise you among the peoples. Your constant love reaches the heavens; your faithfulness touches the skies. Show your greatness in the sky, O God, and your glory over all the earth.
(Psalms 57:9-11 GNB)

I need fresh revelation of God’s love for me. What is that really about?

And maybe I also need to do as Mark Conner suggested: sit down with a piece of paper split into half. What is God saying to commend me? And what is God challenging me about, to do better?