God, thank you for setting me free! I love you!

It seems like the last four weeks had taken me on a gradual decline into negativity and depression, lots of mornings I would just wake up with an unshakable feeling of emptiness and sometimes hopelessness. Why did I feel in pain and yet not know the cause? It was becoming so bad that even spending a whole day at church doing things I normally love, I was just so unsettled and uncomfortable. What was wrong?

Monday last week as my small group met, I mentioned the struggle I was having and people prayed for me – I think that initiated something, as I was finally willing to be vulnerable and open with a group. Several things during the week helped encourage and lift me up, but Sunday night brought the breakthrough. I’d been reading ‘Waking the Dead’ by John Eldridge on and off during the previous couple of weeks, loving it, but intrigued about the upcoming chapter entitled ‘warfare’. On Sunday night I felt particularly burdened to open that chapter and discover the content.

I felt God rain down his revelation and open my eyes as I read. John wrote about the attacks of the enemy often being in the form of subtle suggestions in our minds. Little words and thoughts that aren’t forced in, but just dropped in neatly, appearing true at strategic times when we’re most likely to believe them. In western society where the devil usually chooses to remain invisible, subtle suggestion is one of his primary weapons. We fall when we respond in agreement. I’m not doing a very good job at leadership… I’ve let God down so many times lately… I’m never going to be able to beat this… I feel so trapped… I’m so broken… And the thoughts go on and on, gaining momentum as I choose to agree with them. Oh, but it’s good to believe this stuff – at least I’m not prideful… It’s actually humbling. Oh how scheming and dangerous demonic spirits can be, and yet none have power over me other than what I allow. I had chosen to believe the destructively targeted thoughts of the enemy. The thoughts often were half-true and so I inclined to believe them; and yet I realized that they had fueled the slide into darkness and depression. Immediately I stopped agreeing, and I felt darkness immediately begin to lift. It was like fresh air just blew into my mind and body. Peace and joy started to return – I had missed them so much during the past several weeks. And I gently eased off to sleep with worship and praise in my head.

As I awoke the next morning I was cautious… Was last night just a momentary experience or was it going to change things? But as I crawled out of bed I determined again not to be in agreement with any form of numbing or depressing thoughts. No condemnation. No negativity. No self-pity or self-absorption. Just faith, hope and love. The entire day progressed ten times easier than most days in the previous few weeks. It was like nothing shook me. Even when negative circumstances cast their ominous shadow I was not going to let them drag down my spirit.

It’s now Thursday, and although I’m now feeling quite tired, I’m committed to believing what God says about me and the world – knowing HIS truth, that the truth might set me free, and not allowing the devil to “steal, kill and destroy” anything of what God wants to do in and through me.

There are some phenomenal plans God has coming, but I’m afraid I’ll sound arrogant if I share them. Maybe in a post another time. He is so amazing, so faithful when we wait upon him and hungrily seek his face.

Even young people grow tired and become weary, and young men will stumble and fall. Yet, the strength of those who wait with hope in the LORD will be renewed. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and won't become weary. They will walk and won't grow tired.
(Isaiah 40:30-31 GW)

He blows me away. God is faithful even when I stuff it. Even when I think I’ve lost the plot and am fumbling around trying to pick up the pieces of a broken life.

Today was a special day. I cried… twice! But God did some healing, and even used me tonight to bring some love and affirmation to others – yeah, another reminder that God’s work in my life isn’t really for me.

This morning I initially awoke around 9am. Considered getting up, but couldn’t find the energy nor motivation until about midday. Finally pushed the blankets back and braved the daylight. Prayed for the healing of my own hayfever with no initial success, so hesitantly and regretfully took a Telfast which worked wonders.

Took a walk through Damper Creek trying to clear my head and think through everything that was happening lately. Things just didn’t seem quite right. I was in a battle and my thoughts were clouded. But my mind was surprisingly clear as I walked. I think the fresh air and sunshine do that. Getting into nature somehow brings perspective on life – it’s like you step back and can better see the big picture. Anyway, God and I had some awesome conversation back and forward. I read some awesome stuff in John 14-16.

Half way along Rachel messaged with “how are you going?” Hmmm… good question. I replied with some of the struggle I’d felt; how my heart felt under attack from seeking other things. Like it was divided and not totally captivated by God. The walk and discussion with God helped really bring a peace into my heart and mind. Got home and just sat there for quite a while.

The Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you everything and make you remember all that I have told you. "Peace is what I leave with you; it is my own peace that I give you. I do not give it as the world does. Do not be worried and upset; do not be afraid.
(John 14:26-27 GNB)

Then Rachel called and we talked through some of the things. She was amazing, insightful and prophetic with what she shared. She (ie. God) made me cry. God was still amazingly present amidst my confusion and anxiety; even using it to mould me and shape me into the person he wants me to be. I love him so much. It’s the one thing I usually cry over: grace. Amazing grace! How sweet the sound! That saved a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now I’m found. Was blind, but now I see!

"My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak." I am most happy, then, to be proud of my weaknesses, in order to feel the protection of Christ's power over me. I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
(2 Corinthians 12:9-10 GNB)

Tonight at CityLife we had a great time of worship during which I still felt burdened and restricted; like I couldn’t worship with the full amount of joy and peace that I often sense. But Brenda Turner led communion and some ministry with a story about a thermometer breaking inside her house. The little blobs of mercury went everywhere. It took her an hour and a half to painstakingly collect the blobs and make sure they were fully contained. God spoke to her: our lives are often full of broken pieces, but it’s painfully difficult and near-impossible to try and put things back together on our own. I was crying again as I vividly saw my attempts at trying to hold my own brokenness together. I cannot do it on my own. The service was a great time of ministry and encouragement. Afterward David Turner and James also prayed for me to be refreshed with new energy and stamina to finish the year well.

On the way home I felt impressed to visit Kristen, although somewhat apprehensive. “I don’t know if I have the energy or spiritual strength to properly relate and discuss things tonight” I thought. But I felt like God wanted me to, and so I obeyed…thankfully! Had a really good time with Kristen talking about getting lots of ex-Fuel people reconnected for a semi-reunion dinner. I felt really positive about the whole concept, and appreciated an opportunity to build my connection with Kristen.

On my way out to leave, I bumped into Sam and we had an amazing chat for about half an hour. I was able to listen to some of his struggles and pain, encourage him and pray. I love that we can both share deeply. He’s such a gentle, humble, sensitive guy with a huge heart for God.

God, thanks so much for your ongoing faithfulness and love for me. That you actually love me more, care more, see more and want more for me that I do for myself – that totally blows me away! WHY? I don’t deserve any of it. I just hope that I can somehow live a life reflecting that truth.

I will thank you, O Lord, among the nations. I will praise you among the peoples. Your constant love reaches the heavens; your faithfulness touches the skies. Show your greatness in the sky, O God, and your glory over all the earth.
(Psalms 57:9-11 GNB)

I need fresh revelation of God’s love for me. What is that really about?

And maybe I also need to do as Mark Conner suggested: sit down with a piece of paper split into half. What is God saying to commend me? And what is God challenging me about, to do better?

Shaking & Growing

The last week has been an interesting shake up. Shortly after the last post I began to feel a big drain on my emotions. Lack of sleep (from staying up praying) and a long day at work Thursday brought a weariness that really weighed me down. Thursday night Jono and Greg faithfully encouraged me and prayed for me – a huge reminder of the value of people around me; I cannot fight the war on my own!

Then Friday launched our FUEL Snow Camp. I was still a little tired, but praying for God to work and do some great things. God allowed me to have a great conversation with Raff… I explained some of the things that had been happening lately, but also shared my fear at losing ‘the anointing’. Did I have to keep up the immense level of prayer and seeking of God to gain the sense of joy, faith and confidence that I’d felt earlier in the week?

Raff raised the issue of high expectations: perfectionism, striving, critical attitudes; telling me of how high expectations often produce a sense of failure and criticism of other people. Unfortunately, much of it rang true. My own personal weakness and low sense of worth is often countered by a desperate reaching out for God, and a desire to do something meaningful. I’m grateful for the internal struggles which have pushed me to desire God so hungrily, and yet the inadequacy can become so crippling and defeating.

As I’ve prayed through some of those insights this week, I’ve begun to feel a real sense of peace, satisfaction, freedom – even when I haven’t accomplished something great or lived up to my mental image of what I should be like. Going through an ‘average’ day I’m beginning to just enjoy God and praise him for his amazing acceptance. I don’t need to be perfect, or ‘perform’ to gain his acceptance.

And yet, there’s the temptation to just rest in his acceptance; lie down and sleep. I still crave the fire of God to fall upon our generation; I’m hungry for changed lives and an army of disciples and kingdom warriors to arise and bring revival to our land.

How do I keep the fine balance of deep heart-felt peace, trust, contentment and sustained joy; while still giving everything I am to the cause of fighting to make the love and power of God known…not resting or giving up until my generation is free!? Mysterious dichotomy.

What can I do but pray?
Jesus is the Answerer, and my best friend. I’m in love with Him.

Just one day later and have many more stories of what God’s beginning to do… more and more people drawn into the presence of God.

(As a side note, after the word of encouragement Tuesday night, I got home and immediately received a message that seemed so discouraging in spite of what God seems to be doing lately. But…he’s working through it, growing me; and he’ll fix the problem soon enough!)

At Harvest, our Pneumatology class (study of the Holy Spirit) had a prophetic clinic – it’s amazing just spending time with a whole group of people seeking God, hungry for his presence and his word to us today. God gave me a word about waiting on the Lord for new strength, which I shared with the group. Our lecturer felt the need to pray for the chains and burdens weighing upon people, restricting their ministry and fruitfulness – wanting to be completely free of the burdens I often feel, I joined myself in that prayer.

Dropping into church, more encouragement came my way: Kerry wrote a note thanking me for my passion and for what I’m teaching people about who God is. And she gave me this quote:

“Authentic religion has to do with passion, with having passion.”
— Kierkegaard

Caroline was visibly grateful for what I’ve been doing, and when I asked about praise points and answers to prayer, she said she had a great list! She’s excited about the prayer meeting this Monday and is spreading the word to all her leaders about how amazing the last one was. I want to see a large group get touched and revived on Monday! God, take us further and deeper into you! Pour out your Spirit in abundance. Bring us to our knees in worship!

In the evening was our leaders huddle. I spent 90 minutes before-hand, just walking laps of the Waverley footy oval in the freezing cold, praying for a move of God in the house tonight, that he would bring fresh vision and a much needed touch in the lives of youth leaders. Tim joined in for the last 30 mins and together we sought God for more in FUEL and our church. We need reviving.

I asked God to pave the way through for what he wanted to do during the huddle. I find it really hard to stand up and bring God into a situation when someone else has a different agenda, and I never want to go against my pastors, but I’m so grateful for Jeff’s willingness and openness to have time for worship and prayer. With just two songs and some praise, God worked. I had the youth leaders, just seek God and ask for more. Tht we would have more intimacy with him, see more of his power in our lives. Sam spoke up towards the end with an expression of joy at how God had met him powerfully in the few minutes we had been seeking him. I believe others were moved by the Holy Spirit also, as joy and fellowship seemed to flow in the meeting from then on.

Afterward I prayed one on one for another leader and felt a rush of encouragement and hope flood back into them. I really want to minister God’s love and breakthrough power to individuals. I hope crowds and bright lights never eclipse my heart for individual hearts.

Everyone went home, but how could I sleep after that? I went back to the oval, and for another 80 minutes just praised God and interceded for those I knew needing revival. The more God does, and the more he opens me to new wonders and abilities, the more demonic attack I’m going to face. I will need people constantly upholding me and my family in prayer. But last night I told Satan where to go. And it’s not anywhere around me! And he must listen, because I have the authority and seal of the King of kings.

As I walked on the oval, my mind could see the entire ground filled with young people; singing, praying, worshiping. One day, perhaps God will bring revival in such a way that the entire football ground might be filled with people hungry to know God, and the life-changing presence of the Holy Spirit coming to heal and empower witnesses.

Revival town, that's what they're calling this place now
Revival town, it'll put a smile on your face now
Revival town

We're not on our own you know
It's all around the world
'Cos this is the freedom generation
Living for revival in this time

Hallelujah
People everywhere are singing
Hallelujah
You've turned my mourning into dancing

Well I've got a story to tell
About the King above all kings
You spoke for peace, hope, love and justice
Things that we all need today
You let a broken generation
Become a dancing generation
This revival generation

You may not hear it on the radio
But you can feel it on the air
Hallelujah, people everywhere are singing
Hallelujah, you've turned my mourning into dancing

Revival town, that's what they're calling this place now
Revival town, that's what they're calling this place now
Revival town.

— “Revival Town” by Delirious

Just now, my sister Shelley thanked me for the way our prayer & worship times have recently touched her. “I’ve just been walking around feeling pretty…numb. But at the prayer meeting, at small group, and at the leaders huddle, each time God’s just really seemed so close, and it’s bringing life back into me.” Cade, Jono and Sam would all echo that, among others. Slowly, more and more people are being drawn into the life-changing presence of the King. I’m just praying for a sustained impact, fruit that will last, and not just an emotional experience. Holy Spirit transform us.

Thursday night prayer… tonight! Woohoo! What will God do?

Tonight at Harvest

Wow… Tonight was one of the best I’ve had at Harvest. Driving there, I began with little real expectancy, but I decided to push myself, pray, and ask God for something special – that he might push us further, and grow the culture and attitude of students there. I asked God to speak to us, bring us revelation and insight.

Tonight we had Nick Tsakis, a senior pastor (ex-youth pastor) talk about issues from a senior pastor’s perspective, particularly the issue of a leader’s heart condition. Guarding your heart and keeping it pure. It was brilliant; many challenges and insights. But what particularly moved me, was his prophetic voice directly to me.

He said I had a ‘good spirit’, was ‘hungry’ and ‘asking questions’, and that recently had decided on full commitment to him, and that God wanted to honour that (read my last entry to see that!). That I was going to become someone who worked in miracles and ministered with authority. That although tension might appear from people around me who don’t understand, I was to continue seeking God and completely honour those around me, but discern when to obey or ignore their words.

Nick had never met me before, yet gave a word that was completely relevant and accurate. Praise God, for he knows our hearts, and desires to bring a word in season to encourage and build up. Father, I want to be someone that moves powerfully in the prophetic, bringing encouragement and direction to those you want to touch. Oh God, use me!