The last week has been an interesting shake up. Shortly after the last post I began to feel a big drain on my emotions. Lack of sleep (from staying up praying) and a long day at work Thursday brought a weariness that really weighed me down. Thursday night Jono and Greg faithfully encouraged me and prayed for me – a huge reminder of the value of people around me; I cannot fight the war on my own!
Then Friday launched our FUEL Snow Camp. I was still a little tired, but praying for God to work and do some great things. God allowed me to have a great conversation with Raff… I explained some of the things that had been happening lately, but also shared my fear at losing ‘the anointing’. Did I have to keep up the immense level of prayer and seeking of God to gain the sense of joy, faith and confidence that I’d felt earlier in the week?
Raff raised the issue of high expectations: perfectionism, striving, critical attitudes; telling me of how high expectations often produce a sense of failure and criticism of other people. Unfortunately, much of it rang true. My own personal weakness and low sense of worth is often countered by a desperate reaching out for God, and a desire to do something meaningful. I’m grateful for the internal struggles which have pushed me to desire God so hungrily, and yet the inadequacy can become so crippling and defeating.
As I’ve prayed through some of those insights this week, I’ve begun to feel a real sense of peace, satisfaction, freedom – even when I haven’t accomplished something great or lived up to my mental image of what I should be like. Going through an ‘average’ day I’m beginning to just enjoy God and praise him for his amazing acceptance. I don’t need to be perfect, or ‘perform’ to gain his acceptance.
And yet, there’s the temptation to just rest in his acceptance; lie down and sleep. I still crave the fire of God to fall upon our generation; I’m hungry for changed lives and an army of disciples and kingdom warriors to arise and bring revival to our land.
How do I keep the fine balance of deep heart-felt peace, trust, contentment and sustained joy; while still giving everything I am to the cause of fighting to make the love and power of God known…not resting or giving up until my generation is free!? Mysterious dichotomy.
What can I do but pray?
Jesus is the Answerer, and my best friend. I’m in love with Him.
3 comments:
Yay i started a blog :) so i can leave comments now. I appreciate both your blogs, they are very insightful and inspiring. Thank you, God bless you Simon!
P.S sorry i won't fill up your space with meaningless posts, but i was just wondering, how did you get the MakePovertyHistory band in the corner? I want one! :)
This blog is almost like reading you mind (As far as i know because i've never read your mind.)Keep blogging - by the way did i mention that i believe God IS going to use you mightly and realize some of your deepest desires for impact? I hope that when it becomes obvious that you will be able to see how valueable you are to God and those around you.
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