I don’t think I’m great at coping with this pain… Yesterday was good, but still really hard. And I awoke this morning to more negativity and torment. Hungry and weak from fasting.

Oh Lord, I’m so fragile, so sensitive to harsh comments and experiences. How will I ever become secure, like a solid rock? I believe you will transform me into such… I’m holding on. But it feels like a long process. But: You Are God!

Yesterday had a really good talk with Andi Hillman, which just raised a lot of issues and confusion that I didn’t really know how to address or explain. But he was really helpful and somewhat understanding.
(It’s so hard to find someone that understands me! The closer I get to God sometimes, the harder to find someone with similar struggles and pain that has my perspective. Maybe others can still have insight and helpful perspective though.)

Then had a talk with Andy and Kristy about how I was going. That was really tough, but necessary and helpful (for the most part). Some things we discussed were:

• Me apologizing for my lack of strong leadership. My withdrawing and timidity.
• My real struggle with spiritual dryness and lack of connection with God – and how that really affects my relationships with people and the team; often feeling an inability to really lead with hearing from God.
• A harsh word about being a better leader. But I need to forgive and press on. This is a war, casualties abound, I cannot afford to surrender to the enemy, or agree with his plans. He must be stopped at all costs!
• Encouragement – some words of affirmation about my spiritual mind, my insight, my strong leadership (when it’s there), and how they’d noticed a difference in how I was leading. They also wanted to know how best to care for me. “What can we do?” I really don’t know though.

Father, as I type these words, I really need to offload them! I cannot carry the weight, it is too much of a burden. Please Jesus take my pain, heal my heart, and strengthen my resolve, my joy, my peace, and my confidence to really lead people and take them to higher places in you. God, you have called me here to lead, and I want to honour that and serve you well. But I feel so encumbered, prevented, attacked. I’m always a huge target for the enemy because my strength comes from you. He will try anything to destroy my connection (or sense of connection).

Even when I fail you, I know you love me
Your holy presence, surrounding me
In every season, I know you love me
I know you love me….!

At the cross I bow my knee
Where your blood was shed for me
There’s no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?

Your hand upholds me, I know you love me!
You tore the veil, you made a way, when you said that “it is done”

When the earth fades, falls from my eyes
And you stand before me, I know you love me, I know you love me!

– At the Cross, by Hillsong

For nothing can separate me from your love!!

In view of all this, what can we say? If God is for us, who can be against us? Certainly not God, who did not even keep back his own Son, but offered him for us all! He gave us his Son---will he not also freely give us all things?

Who will accuse God's chosen people? God himself declares them not guilty! Who, then, will condemn them? Not Christ Jesus, who died, or rather, who was raised to life and is at the right side of God, pleading with him for us!

Who, then, can separate us from the love of Christ? Can trouble do it, or hardship or persecution or hunger or poverty or danger or death? … No, in all these things we have complete victory through him who loved us! For I am certain that nothing can separate us from his love: neither death nor life, neither angels nor other heavenly rulers or powers, neither the present nor the future, neither the world above nor the world below---there is nothing in all creation that will ever be able to separate us from the love of God which is ours through Christ Jesus our Lord.

– Romans 8:31-39 (GNB)

If my heart has grown cold, there your love will unfold
As you open my eyes to the work of your hand
WhenI’m blind to my way, there your spirit will pray
As you open my eyes to the work of your hand

Oceans will part, nations come
At the whisper of your call
Hope will rise, glory shown
In my life, your will be done!

– Oceans Will Part, by Hillsong

Thankyou Jesus for your grace that surrounds me, for your love that reaches so deep, for your faithfulness that withstands my failure, for your acceptance that passes through my rejection, for your hope that stands when all else falls, for your sacrifice to save a thankless and ungrateful race. Jesus, your work is wonderful, and you are doing a great, mighty, powerful work inside me, and inside this town. I want to get on board with your plan. Help me accept everything you intend for me, and see from your perspective while fighting with everything in me against the enemies of your plan. Heal my wounds and memories, give me a garment of praise that sees past my circumstances, and a true peace that is unshakable. Lord, you understand me and feel my pain, even when no one else does. When no one else is around to support and encourage, you stand! You are wonderful, glorious, Jesus and I love you.

To you Oh Lord, I lift my soul
In you O God, I place my trust!
Do not let me, be put to shame
Don’t let my enemies triumph over me

My hope is You
Show me your ways
Guide me in truth, in all my days
My hope is You!!

My broken spirit shouts, my mended heart cries out: my hope is You!

– My Hope Is You, by Third Day